


Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

by AlexanderTemple



Category: Original Work, inspired by Adrian Mole - Fandom
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Bed-Wetting, Diapers, Family, Feminization, Friendship, Gay Panic, Growing Up, Humor, Identity, School, Teen Crush, Teen Years, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:54:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 32,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23872723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexanderTemple/pseuds/AlexanderTemple
Summary: Alexander, or Allie as everyone calls him has a new diary. You now have the chance to enter the confusing and exciting times and tribulations of being a teenager. Being a teenager is something we must all try, and it is not easy.This is the modern version of the Adrian Mole diaries.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. July 4-11, 2015

**July 4, 2015**

**Saturday,**

_Dear Diary,_

Let me introduce myself. My name is Alexander and I am 13. For some reason, everyone calls me Allie. I have long shoulder-length hair that is a small bit curly under my ears. I usually sweep it to the right to keep it out of my eyes. I am very small for my age! I am the same size as my sister and she is 10! Otherwise, I am skinny. People say 4 things when they think about me. I am very small for my age. My hair is long. I have a nice singing voice and I have long eyelashes.

Today is my birthday. The most important day of my life. I am no longer a child. I am a teenager. I am also a middle child which explains why I just got you as a birthday present. Let me explain. Mom thought that Dad was buying me a present and Dad thought Mom was doing it. So this morning when I came down to show my new teenage self, mom and dad looked at each other. Then Mom rushed to her room, saying it was time for my present. I heard her swearing and drawers and doors being open. After me waiting and looking forward to the new smartphone I wished for so long, Mom came down with a present packed in Christmas paper. It was you! A diary!

It was hard to smile when all I got a diary as a present. Mom told me that this was very special. You would be a place to archive my deepest feelings and fears.... my soul. I will be honest, a smartphone would have been better.

My aunt came around later with a small cake she got at the bakery. She gave me a quick hug and talked with Sarah, my sister. Aunty is my mother's sister, but lives close by. She is not married, and I suppose that is good because she hates men. Aunty has lots of money and lives all by herself in a posh house. This should mean that I get good presents, but that never happens. I am sure she could afford a smartphone. She came with a cake and a book about horses.

Mom couldn't find any candles and dad just put one of his cigarettes down in the cake after he lit it. The cigarette stood proud like a candle, and smoke rose up from it. Dad was watching the news and wasn't paying attention. He told me to blow it out. We had cake with cigarette ashes powdered on top of it.

I will always remember the day that I became 13!

***********************************************************************************************

**July 5, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

Mom woke me up and told me we had to rush as we were late for Church. I nearly slept walked to the bathroom, but could not get in. My big brother Billy was using the bathroom and this meant he would take ages. He is 19. He thinks he is so mature. I, on the other hand, do not think that he is smart. Maybe because this is because he only thinks about parties and girls. He often says he is embarrassed by his family and he doesn't want us to speak with him outside the house. Billy can be a pain, but I love him as a brother.

I waited for him to come out. I really do not know what he does in the toilet. I lost patience and went out in the back yard and found a secluded tree I could water. Dad had the same idea and was mumbling what Billy was doing all his time doing in the bathroom?

Mom was like a busy bee. We were just about to walk out the door when she noticed my hair. She screamed that I could not go to Church looking like a hedgehog. So I was dragged in the house again and Mom started brushing all the knots out of my hair. She did not listen to my plea's and when I shouted in pain. Her mission was to make me look respectable. I told her I could do it myself if Billy did not hog the bathroom.

The hair in the front of my head was long. It was not enough that it was just swept to the side. Mom said that no one will see my pretty eyes.

Pretty?

She had a solution. She used one of Sarah's hair clips to keep it where she wanted. I protested as I did not want any girl thing in my hair. As I protested, Mom shoved me out in the car.

When we came to the Church, I went to change to my choir robe. I sing in the Church choir and still have a soprano voice. I loved this and it was the highlight of every week. When we got changed in our robes, we went and stood where we usually did and waited for the priest. All the boys snickered when they saw Sarah's hair thing in my hair.

Dad fell asleep during mass, so he did not hear me sing. He is 47 and teaches at the school I go to. He is a very popular teacher and everyone loves him. The only problem is that when Dad does not work at school, he forgets that he has 3 children and is too tired to be with us. Otherwise, he is a huge Madonna fan, so there is Madonna music all the time at our house. I do not understand her. One minute she is singing that she is a virgin and another minute she sings about... well you know.

After Church, my best friend Andrew met me outside Church. He was praising me to the skies telling me that I sang like an angel. I wondered how he could hear me sing, as I had no solo today. Dad also praised me and told me how great I was. Did he dream of me singing?

***********************************************************************************************

**July 6, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

We have two months left of summer holidays. I already miss school!

Today it hit me that I am now a teenager. I was no longer a child. I was on my way to becoming an adult. This means I have to be more mature. I have to be smarter and I have to look cooler than I do now. The teenage years are the path of what you will do as an adult! So when school starts again, I must study and nourish my brain so I could get a good job when I am older.

I also needed Annie to know we would be happy if we got married. She is a girl in my class and I plan to get married to her. She has long wavy hair and a nice body. She looks like a goddess in the school uniform. She has long curly blonde hair so I am sure our children would be cute. The only problem is that she really had not noticed that I am alive yet.

Yes, I am a teenager now. I knew that it was time to get rid of all my childish toys and books. Just not today

***********************************************************************************************

**July 7, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

I had a long talk with mom today. Mom works at home. She worries a lot and has every book there is about raising a child. My mother does not like that we are getting older. She thinks she still needs to help us with everything. I think she dreads the day when we are so old that we will move and she would be alone with her books. Mom is 38. This often made me think that there are so many years between mom and dad. 

I told mom that I was now a teenager and had to look like one. Mom started to panic and said she read that this would happen. She would have a problem if I decided to be an emo or a rocker or goth. I told her that this was not my plan... yet. I just had three wishes.

The first was that I did not have to wear cartoon briefs. Let's face it, they are childish. I should be wearing designer briefs or boxers like any other boy. I told her that Andrew wears designer boxers. Mom asked me how do I know and then decided that she did not want to know.

I told her that she no longer had to put out my clothes. I was now capable of deciding what I wanted to wear every day. If I got pocket money, I could also buy my clothes.

Finally, I told her that I needed a hair cut. I explained that when people met me for the first time, they often thought I was a girl. Mom explained that they were just jealous. This is something parents say to close a conversation.

After I presented my demands, mom squeezed me cheek and told me that I was cute. Then she suggested that we bake something.

Sighs.

***********************************************************************************************

**July 8, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

When I woke up, I found that Mom had put clothes that I should wear today at the end of my bed. So much for my demands. Maybe this is why I will be a teen for 5 years!

Today Greece was in the news. They are bankrupt and need money. I should be more politically interested and care about what was happening in the world. The problem is that I am bankrupt too. I still need a smartphone!

***********************************************************************************************

**July 9, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

I need a summer job to get money. It will also give me peace from my sister Sarah. Sarah is my sister and she is 10. I often consider Sarah like a small kitten, that is so curious about everything. She talks a lot and has lots of friends. Sometimes she latches on to me and won't let me alone. Its really like having a radio except you can't turn it off. Sarah is the same size as me, which is embarrassing, but they do say that girls grow faster. Both Billy and Sarah have dark hair, my hair is blonde.

The problem is my only talent is singing. What could I do? 

***********************************************************************************************

**July 10, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

Mom has a tradition every year that she makes us stand against a wall after we had our birthday. Then she draws a line on the wall to show how high we are. I think I am too old for this. What will she do after I do this when I become 50? I heard that a human becomes smaller when they get old.

When she was done, I looked at the wall and nearly wanted to cry. I could see how fast Sarah was growing and my growth was not even noticeable. This made me stare in the mirror for a long time. How will Annie ever notice me if she has to look down at me! What would my first kiss be like? Will I need a ladder to reach her?

I decided that I must see if there was some way that I could stretch my body!

***********************************************************************************************

**July 11, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

Mom and Dad decided that they needed a day for themselves, where they can be romantic and all that. I do not know why. They are already married!

My brother decided to hang with his friends and Aunty said that she would take care of Sarah. Mom persuaded that Aunty to take me as well. Aunty did not know what to do, so she decided that we should just drive until we found something exciting. I didn't like this. Aunty had a child seat in the back of the car for reasons unknown. Sarah was allowed to sit like any normal person while Aunty told me to sit in the child seat. When I protested, she said that Sarah was too old to sit in a toddler seat. Did aunty not know that I was older?

I felt like every person we saw as we drove could see me in this toddler seat. They were most likely having a good laugh. Sarah did not tease. She just told me that someday I would grow. We drove for two hours, looking for something to do.

Aunty finally found something we can do. We could swim at the beach. I told her that we had no swimming clothes with us. This didn't bother aunty. She said we could swim in our undies. Sarah had no problem with this, but I stood there and said no way. Aunty did not understand my boundaries as a new teenager. She asked who would know me?

I do not know how I agreed to it. The next thing I knew was that Sarah and I were running towards the water and splashing. I started to think that aunty was right. No one would notice me as they did not know who I was. We were in the middle of nowhere. Far away from our home town.

How wrong I could be. Despite we were at a place that was far away, Annie was somehow there. She waved to me as she saw me in my lion king briefs and she was laughing. My teenage romance could not have had a worse start!

***********************************************************************************************

**_To be continued_ **


	2. July 12-18, 2015

**July 12, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

Why does the Church never have mass in the afternoon? We should be allowed to sleep late on Sunday. It is supposed to be the day of rest. It is definitely not that way at our house. There is panic when we wake up and a rush to try to make it to the toilet before Billy hogged the bathroom all the time. This usually failed. Mom always complains that we only have one bathroom and Aunty has 3 in her house.

Dad promised that he will make an outhouse like they had in the old days. So far there is only a tree where the outhouse should be. I am not sure that tree even appreciates that we water it.

The church was important for me today. I needed to pray that Annie would forget that she saw me in cartoon briefs yesterday at the beach. I know this was a big prayer for God. I am sure he had other things to worry about like world peace and Greece having no money. I wondered if it would be too much if I also asked him for advice on what summer job I should get.

When we came to the Church, I wanted to ask Father Immer if he would remember me in his prayers. I figured I needed the support of someone holy. I didn't have time. When we were standing in the Church at the choir stand, I was looking at Annie and hoping she will notice me. She did when Father Immer came out as he forgot to arrange a solo. He asked me in a loud voice if I would do the solo, as I had the best soprano voice. Then he said in an equally loud voice that it is good that my voice did not break. He even announced so the whole church could hear that I have not started puberty.

I could see Annie suddenly noticing me. She had this smile on her face. Most likely she thought I was a little child, and not a teenager

***************************************************

**July 13, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

When will school start? I think I will go mad just hanging around home and Sarah constantly wanting to play things with me. I was probably the only one that wanted summer holidays to be over. I knew it was wise and wait for September, as Annie needed to forget what she has seen at the beach and what Father Immer said yesterday.

It was so hot today. Mom was complaining that the world is sick and getting warmer and warmer. All I know is that I wish we had a swimming pool. Dad moaned that they cost so much and we could just sit in the bathtub.

He finally put a sprinkler in the front yard and told us that would cool us down. Sarah and I spent all afternoon jumping back and forth. It was not the same as a swimming pool, but beggars cannot be choosers!

This strange man looked over the fence and introduced himself. I already forget his name. He told me that I was very pretty and I could be a model at his agency. He told me that I would be able to keep some of the dresses and clothes that I model. Sarah was laughing her head off as I had to explain I was a boy. The man looked shocked and quickly walked away. I really need a haircut so people can see that I am a boy.

When I told mom, she said that God created me perfectly. It is people's problem if they think that I look like a girl. Mom does not understand that it is also my problem. It is embarrassing that so many think that I am a girl. I am sure I will spend many hours when I am an adult telling this to a shrink!

***************************************************

**July 14, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

Today I could not find my cell phone. I have one of the oldest Nokia telephones that were made. It really should belong in a museum. I told Dad that my phone was gone and I needed a new cell phone. Dad sighed and gave me that speech about what it was like when he was a child. He obviously did not have anything and he was still happy. Who could live without a cell phone? How am I living without a smartphone?

Today I looked at the news. The news never has anything good, does it! I feel depressed after I see it and I get the impression that the world is doomed.

Today something good happened. A small spacecraft flew past Pluto. This is the last planet in the solar system. I decided that I must get information on the planet, as before I heard this, the only Pluto I knew was on Disney hour on TV and he was a dog.

I could hardly sleep that night. I had to get more information.

***************************************************

**July 15, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was a good day!

I got my first job in my life. This means that the only way is up. Mrs. Murphy asked if I would cut her lawn. She is an old lady that lives down the street. I told her that I could cut her lawn the next day. I spent the morning trying to make a logo for my new lawn business. I mean coco-cola has a logo. Then so should I!!!! I sat on my bed and then thought about having a multinational business. This was the day it all started.

In the afternoon, I looked on the net for information about Pluto. " It is the ninth-largest and tenth-most-massive known object directly orbiting the Sun. It is the largest known trans-Neptunian object by volume but is less massive than Eris. Like other Kuiper belt objects, Pluto is primarily made of ice and rock and is relatively small—one-sixth the mass of the Moon and one-third its volume. Light from the Sun takes 5.5 hours to reach Pluto at its average distance" It took 9 years for the spacecraft to reach Pluto!

I felt all the wiser and intelligent now. I am sure that Annie would be proud of how I was nourishing my mind.

I decided that I would make a paper mache model of the universe. So I went on the net to find out how to make paper mache.

_An old newspaper, comics or magazines_

_1 level mug of plain flour_

_1 level mug of warm water, plus extra tap water for loosening_

After a few hours, the galaxy was made. It looked a bit crude as if it was different balls with a metal wire through them around a huge football. I thought that it would look better when I painted it but I decided to wait to do this. My brain was tired and Bily (my brother) was frustrated because he couldn't find the football anywhere.

***************************************************

**July 16, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

Today I went to Mrs. Murphy's house. As usual, it was very hot. I could understand why she did not want to cut the lawn. When I looked at it, I nearly fainted. The lawn was so big and the grass was so high. I had to have good working morale, so I reminded myself that to get to the top of the ladder of success, it would need hard work!

It took me over an hour to cut the lawn. This was while the sun was beating down on my head and I was sweating a lot. I was trying to console myself by trying to remember the minimum wage and wondering if I should save my money or spend it. It would be wisest to save it for a smartphone. The problem was that I was not always wise. I would need will-power and decide that I would be responsible and save money.

When I was done, Mrs. Murphy came out to inspect. I was shocked and a little mad that she did not approve of the job I have done. So she told me to cut the lawn once again! It was torture to cut the lawn again. The sun was warmer, and I was sure the sun did this on purpose. I was hoping that Mrs. Murphy would give me extra for doing this.

She did not! In fact, she did not give me any money. She told me that she would light a candle for me at the church and say a prayer for me. I was speechless. I wanted to sue her and take her to the highest court.

When she asked if I would cut the lawn again, I told her that I would!

***************************************************

**July 17, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was the worse day of my teenage life. When I woke up, I found that my sheets were wet. When I investigated further, I realized that I wet the bed!

I wanted to cry and I felt so confused. I quickly got up and took all the wet sheets down in the hamper. I shoved them at the bottom of the hamper, thinking that this would hide it for a while. Maybe mom would think that Sarah wet the bed.

I couldn't help thinking about it. I was hoping that it was a once-off event and maybe caused by some viruses in the air. I was sure that It would not become a habit. I had to make sure that no one knew about it. What would Annie say if she knew that I wet the bed?

***************************************************

**July 18, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

I wet the bed again so I once again hid the sheets in the hamper. I must be getting sick with some strange virus that makes me wet the bed!

Dad wanted to hold a family meeting today. He informed us that we would be going on holiday. This made me excited, as I heard my friends talk about going on holiday to the best resorts and beaches around the world. It would be a nice summer if we went to some resort in Spain or a remote island.

I was excited until Dad said we were going to a family camp at a beach a few hours from here. This was not what I hoped for. Things got worse when he said that the beach was a naturist camp. We would be wearing our birthday suits!

There was nearly a riot when he said this. We all said that in no circumstances would we go. Mom explained that it was because we were invited and it was free.

This didn't matter. I am not going anywhere where people can see my whole body!

_**To be continued** _


	3. July 19-24, 2015

**July 19, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

Since I became a teenager things have all gone wrong when I went to the choir. Today was the same. We had the same problem as always and we could not use the bathroom because Billy was locked in it. This was not a bad thing. When mom was brushing my hair, she put it in a ponytail. She used one of Sarah's elastics. I protested as high as I can, but mom said that my hair was getting too long and I looked like a hound dog. Of course, it was long! I have not had a haircut for ages.

On the way to church, Sarah whispered and asked me if I wet the bed. I think I stopped breathing for a few minutes. Then I poked her as hard as I could and told her to shut up as our parents may hear her. Sarah was mad that I did not confide in her and told me everyone will think I was a girl because of the ponytail. I poked her harder.

Sarah was right, everyone did notice the ponytail and giggled when they saw it and asked me if I was now a sissy. Noah told them that I was just a small child, and confused if I was a girl or not. Noah was this cool boy in my class, and I decided he was my life long enemy!

It didn't help that after mass, I saw Noah speaking with Annie. As I walked out of the Church Annie told me that she loved my hair. She smiled and said that I could help her do her hair someday. Noah laughed and said I could borrow one of her dresses.

On the way home, Dad reminded us about the nudist camp. We reminded him that we would not go. So we started a family fight in the car. The fight was very bad, no one spoke with each other all day.

**********************************************************

**July 20, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was a strange day. Everyone was not talking with dad. We told him there was no way we would go anywhere where the whole world could see us naked. He only wanted to go because it was free. I knew it would ruin my life and I would end up locked in some mental institution.

Aunty came today and strange enough she wanted to speak with me. She usually wants to speak with Sarah.

Things got weirder. Aunty told me that she was sure that I had some gender identity problems. That was another thing I needed to google! She basically told me that I looked like a girl for a reason. She thought God made a mistake and made me a boy when I should have been a girl. She told me that we could correct that mistake. I wanted to ask her what she meant, but I was so confused.

As aunty left, she gave me a hug and told me not to worry. Adults can be so strange. I did my best to forget what she said. How does God make such mistakes? Why do adults always say the strangest things?

**********************************************************

**July 21, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was possibly the worse day of my life!

I wet the bed once again. I no longer tried to think about why I have done this. I just hid the evidence.

I got a postcard from Andrew. He was on holiday in a beach resort in Tunisia. How could life be so unfair? He was at some posh place with plenty of sun and the best swimming pools and everything. I was expected to go to a place that I was not even allowed to take clothes! If this happened, I would die of humiliation. The human body is meant to be covered!

I marched down to Dad. Mom went to the shop because there was no milk for the cornflakes. I decided not to wait until she came back. I told Dad that he can go to this weird beach, but I was staying home. If he did not allow this, I planned to make protest signs and protest in the front garden. I hoped that the TV news would be there and cover my protest. I was a teenager now and I needed to protect my rights. Otherwise Amnesty International would have me on one of their postcards.

Dad did not even respond.

Mom did not come back with the milk, so Sarah had this crazy idea. We could try orange juice with the cornflakes. We will not try that again!

The police came to our house. At first, I thought they were going to arrest dad for wanting to take us to that beach. It was much worse. He told us that mom was in the hospital because she was in a car crash. Dad rushed to the hospital while aunty took care of us.

The rest of the day was quiet. Aunty was sitting with Sarah that was crying. Billy locked himself in his room. I was just silent. I am sure I was in some sort of shock.

**********************************************************

**July 22, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

I wet the bed again. It doesn't shock me anymore. It's just getting hard to hide. Sarah knows about it. She promised she would not tell anyone. However, she has no problem reminding me that she is younger than me and does not wet the bed.

Dad took us to visit mom. She just was in a bed with tubes and machines keeping her alive. She looked like she was asleep. Sarah was crying and Brian asked about how bad it was. I just wanted mom to wake up. I didn't care if she was mad or not. I am also worried about why I have not cried since. I think I really do not believe it. It was like a bad dream or a bad movie.

When we came home, we found Aunty was there. She told us that she is moving in while mom is in the hospital. The doctor said she could wake up at any time or she could be in a coma for years.

So many changes.

**********************************************************

**July 23, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

This is the first day of Aunty trying to be our mom. She came into my room as I woke up and asked me how long I have been wetting the bed. I told her for a week. She told me that she read some of the books Mom had and she read that boys often wet their beds. It can be because a boy's body was not as perfect as a girl's body. She also explained that some boys did not want to grow up.

I thought this was rubbish. I do not want to be a baby! I am proud that I am a teenager. I just need to grow more and I just need Annie to notice me. I just need to start puberty. Of course, I did not say this to aunty. It was embarrassing enough that she was speaking with me as I was surrounded by wet sheets!

Aunty told me that the book suggested that I used diapers until the bedwetting stops. I started crying and begging her not to do that. I was sure that this was just some virus. Aunty was nice and said she would not force me. She would let me decide. If I needed diapers, I should tell her.

Later Aunty told the whole family that she had an announcement. I hid my head behind pillows as I was sure that she would tell everyone that I wet the bed. She did not tell the others. Aunty said we would not be going on a holiday to the nudist beach. Dad started to protest but Aunty gave him a harsh look. She told him that it was no place for children.

Then Aunty went silent and finally said that she thought that mom would like us to go on a holiday. She was paying that we would go on holiday to Greece. This made me smile.

We are going to Greece! That is good as they have no money. Maybe it's not bad having aunty here.

**********************************************************

**July 24, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

I should be depressed and sad. I still wet the bed. Mom is in a coma. I haven't grown since I became a teenager. However, I am excited. In 8 days, we will be in Greece!

Today I looked at the news again. There was good news. Cuba and the USA started diplomatic relations. They were mad at each other for 54 years. This is a hell of a long time to be mad someone. I looked at Wikipedia to see where Cuba was. Maybe someday I will go there. The pictures show that it looks like they need more money than Greece.

Aunty told me I would be going to see a psychiatrist next week. She did not want to discuss it. I always thought that I would see a psychiatrist when I am grown up. Maybe I need to get a head start and start seeing one now.

**********************************************************

**July 25, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

I wet the bed again. It's 7 days to Greece.

Dad went to see mom in the hospital. This is very hard for him. He really does love mom!

I played with Sarah and her dolls. I never really done this before but I did not want Sarah to feel sad that we were not allowed to visit mom. I never knew there were so many rules when girls played with dolls. I even had to make sure that the clothes were right when I dressed the dolls. The strange thing is that it was lots of fun and the time when so quick. I promised Sarah that we can play with dolls anytime she wanted to.

Aunty saw us playing with dolls and told me that she is happy I am “setting my feminine side free”. Whatever this means.

Aunty read in a book that she must support my gender identity problems. I do not even know what that means. Why can't aunty explain things so I understand? Thank God we have google.

**_To be continued_ **


	4. July 26 - August 1, 2015

**July 26, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

Today we did not go to Church or the choir. Dad said he was not in a mood to talk to God yet. So we ended up visiting mom. These visits make me so sad. The nurse says to try and speak with her. She could hear us. I was not so sure about that was true. Still, I told her that I missed her. I let her know that we were doing fine, as Aunty was taking care of us. I also told mom that sometimes aunty was confusing, and she read too much!

I looked at Google and found out that Aunty thinks I consider myself a girl, although I have a boy's body. This is total nonsense. I was happy being a boy. I had no desire to go around in dresses and looking like a sissy. Maybe my hair is long. Mom likes it long and it looks nice. It's people's problem if they think I look like a girl!

Aunty thought I needed diapers. At first, I thought was 13 years old wears diapers in bed was weird. Then at the shop, I saw that they had pull-ups that fitted 15-year-olds. This makes me think that I am not the only one that wets the bed. This may be true, but I will not admit that I need diapers.

Aunty already put a rubber sheet on my bed. What is next? Does she want me to sleep in a crib? The rubber sheet makes so much noise. Every time I move a muscle, then it makes a noise. How am I ever to invite Andrew in my room or how would I have my first kiss with Annie?

Why is being a teenager so hard?

******************************************************************

**July 27, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

Today Aunty took me to the psychiatrist. I expected Dad to complain about the expense and say there was no need. He was depressed about mom and when he was home, he just sat on his chair and looked at the TV. I hoped that our trip to Greece would cheer him up.

We had to wait for ages in the waiting room. There was a girl there my age and she was just as pretty as Annie. I was to shy to speak with her. At one stage, when she looked at me, I did not want her to see me blush, so I picked up a doll and pretended to fix the doll's clothes. The pretty girl was called to the office. I was confused as she stood up. It looked like she was wearing a diaper. It must be my imagination. No pretty girl would wear a diaper.

When it was my turn, I was alone with the psychiatrist who was a nice old woman. She started talking about how I reminded her of the girl that was in the office just before. She told me that the girl was once a boy but now lives as a girl. The girl did not want to grow up so she would soon be living as a toddler girl. The next time I will see her, she will be smaller!

I was in shock. How can she be smaller and why did she want to live as a girl?

The shrink started asking me about my bedwetting and how people thought that I was a girl. She even asked me if I liked playing with Sarah's toys and if I liked her clothes.

This convo was getting too weird. The shrink could see that I was uncomfortable. Then she reminded me that she knew I was playing with a doll in the waiting office. She didn't believe me when I said it was because I was blushing. Then I was asked do I miss being a toddler. I decided not even to answer that.

“You are a teen” the psychiatrist explained, “but you have an identity crisis. It seems to me that you have the spirit and the thoughts of a girl, and this means that the boy's body you have is a mistake and confuses your identity. You wet the bed and diapers would help you. I feel like you miss the security and peace you had when you were younger.”

She promised me that I would get help. I would get some vitamin pills I could take every day and she would give me a shot now. I would get a few more shots after we were in Greece.

She gave me a shot in my arm and it hurt like hell. I started crying. The old woman did not console me, she just sighed and said I didn't tell her that I cry so easily.

I heard her tell aunty that I got a puberty blocker and will need these once a month. She said the tablets are hormones and the big shot is an AR shot. Aunty seemed pleased.

I was mad. I was not sure, but it seemed they wanted me to be like that girl that went in before me. I did not say a word all day and refused to speak with my aunt. The only time I spoke was when I yelled and chased Sarah all over the house because she painted faces on the planet paper mache art piece I made.

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**July 28, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

4 days to Greece. I wet the bed again. I am still mad at my aunt because I think she is trying to turn me into a girl.

I decided that she would not do this to me. I was born a boy and I will die a boy. God made me a boy and he does not make mistakes. Well, he did make vegetables that did not taste good. The point was that I would ignore aunty and refuse to be something I am not.

If I only had willpower.

It all started when I was sitting watching TV. Aunty sat down next to me and asked me if I was mad at her. I shouted at her that I was a boy and I would stay a boy and I refused any tablet she wanted to give me. I saw a tablet that shrink gave her. She obviously wanted to give it to me.

“Your mom will not be home for a while.” she said, “We can be enemies or friends. The tablets and shots are because I think you want to be a girl. The psychiatrist thinks so. It is only normal that you are denying and fighting to what is deep inside you. You will one day make up your mind if you are a boy or a girl. This medication is just to help. I am not mean or hate you. I respect if you finally decide to live as a boy. Let's give it a few months and then you will know.”

This was totally ridiculous. Do all boys get this talk? Are they asked if they really are a girl in the wrong body? I was about to say no until Sarah came in. she was dressed in a white summer dress with small ladybugs. It was so pretty. It looked so comfortable. My heart was beating so quickly. Then it hit me. Was I jealous because Sarah had this dress? Why did I react like this? Was Aunty right?

I took the tablet from Aunty and agreed that time would make us wiser. I also told her that this bedwetting is not stopping. I needed diapers at night.

Now I will finish here and ask God for will power.

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**July 29, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

Today we visited Mom again. It's strange that I cry over the smallest thing but did not cry about her. I told her about the trip to Greece. I did not tell her about the pills I was getting or that I admitted that I needed a diaper.

That night aunty told me that she would help me with the diaper. She said she did not like pullups so she got me a normal diaper. It was not normal. It was a girl one with butterflies and pink elastic. I decided that I will not protest about them. The less time she spent getting me changed, the less time she can see me in my birthday suit.

Wearing a diaper was so strange. I felt like a baby. Why did I agree to this?

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**July 30, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

Today I packed my suitcase after aunty asked a few thousand times if I packed. I suspect that she was just like my mom and would check my suitcase after and change half the clothes to clothes she thought was better. I was proud when she said she trusted me. It's not hard packing. Shorts and T-shirts. What more do I need?

I thought I was finished until Aunty asked did I remember clothes if it was cool...

Later she asked if I remembered nice clothes if we went somewhere posh...

later she asked if I remembered my toothpaste.

When she was helping me with the diaper that night, she told me that I often thought like a toddler. She warned me not to be upset. Boys were not as mature as girls and she read that many boys would rather be a toddler again if they had the choice.

Dad told us that he did not want to go to Greece. He did not want to leave mum. It was agreed that we would go with aunty.

My aunt says the strangest things again. Then again, I was in bed wearing a diaper.

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**July 31, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was the day when we were going to Greece, It was chaos as everyone seemed to be running around the house making sure they had everything. I was ready so I tried to be with daddy. I tried telling him to make sure mom knew that we loved her and the holiday wouldn't be the same without them. Dad didn't say anything. He was no longer himself but just a shell of his former self.

Just as we were waiting to go, aunty called me in my room. She told me that she did want to take chances. I was to wear a diaper while we traveled. I never wet during the day. I was asked what happens if I slept on the plane. I suppose Aunty had a point and I just wanted to get out of here.

In the taxi to the airport, Billy was disappointed with me. He asked me what 13-year-old allow someone to put diapers on them? I scowled back and did not want to talk about it.

The fact is that I thought people would notice. Diapers are big and bulky. No one mentioned it. A few called me a girl and some even called Sarah my big sister.

When we came to the hotel, we had a crisis. In other words, I had a crisis. Everyone else had their suitcase and clothes. Aunty told me we must have left my suitcase at home.

I cried for an hour

What will I do?

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**August 1, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

Today started badly. I was so sad that I had no suitcase and no clothes. Aunty told me that it was good that she bought an extra toothbrush. She promised me we would find a solution that day, but I could wear what I wore yesterday.

Aunty turned her attention to Sarah and asked why she bought 2 suitcases. Sarah was confused and reminded aunty that she packed.

We decided to explore the old town and some ruins of a temple and other things. I loved being in Greece. The problem was there were more tourists than Greeks and not everyone spoke English.

This will be the best holiday ever. Tomorrow Aunty told me what she decided to do about my clothes. I look forward to shopping for new clothes!

_To be continued_


	5. August 2 – 8, 2015

**August 2, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

Sighs! Sighs! Sighs!

You think that I would be so happy and excited now. I was now in Greece and I was on a decent holiday. I know that mom and Dad were not here, but I could survive that. The problem is that someone forgot my suitcase and even Sarah had two suitcases with her. She did not understand this, as she said the clothes in the other suitcase was her old clothes, and she would not ever be seen with them on.

Then aunty said that they would fit me. I looked at her and did not say anything. I was sure that we would be buying some clothes today. I shouted at her and said there was no way that I would wear girl clothes. I shouted that I was a boy. Then out of despair, I sat on a chair and started crying.

Aunty was very patient and waited until I was finished crying. She pushed a pacifier in my mouth and told me I could wear Sarah's jeans and shorts and no one would notice. She also said it would test the doctor's conclusion that deep down I considered myself a girl. No one knew who I was here, and it would have been a good test.

My brother got mad at this and asked me was I seriously considering wearing Sarah's clothes. Aunty was already putting dungaree overall shorts over some panties on me. The Dungaree had a flower sewn in the belly pocket. I looked like a girl. I wished at least that I had short hair.

Aunty said we would hang around the hotel today. I was afraid people would stare and laugh at me. I did not expect them all to think that I was actually a girl.

This was one of the strangest days of my life?

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**August 3, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

I think Aunty has some secret power over me. Maybe she has hypnotized me!

When we woke up today, Sarah was getting dressed by herself. Aunty helped me take the diaper off started putting the clothes I had on yesterday. What was the matter with me? I did not argue or even question what she was doing! I did not even complain when I was wearing girl clothes. I even let her put a pacifier in my mouth!

We were going to the market to see how a street market was like in Greece. Before we went, aunty insisted that Sarah and I have some sun lotion on. It was the strongest one she had, and it looked like cement on our faces. I couldn't help laugh when I saw Sarah. The sun lotion made her so white- It was like she was a ghost.

Billy did not want to come. He said he had better things to do. I knew that this meant that he wanted to flirt with the girls.

The market was a strange place. Everyone was shouting and there were so many people. When someone saw us, they would praise aunty for having two lovely daughters. This made me blush. I also wondered why they were so nice and when we wouldn't buy anything they would get mad and curse us.

I will be honest. I forgot all about the clothes that I had on and I didn't get mad. It was only when we came back to the hotel, that Billy teased me as much as he could, Basically he was saying that he was embarrassed that his brother is a sissy. Of course, I started crying.

He told me that there was no hope for me when aunty was helping me with my diaper for bed. Billy thought it was funny when he asked what would be next... a crib?

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**August 4, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

Mom's Birthday. She is far away in a deep sleep. 

Today started in the worse possible way. I fell out of the bed and ended up on the floor. This was both painful and embarrassing, especially because Billy teased me yesterday about needing a crib. Aunty told me not to worry. I was sleeping in a strange bed.

Aunty and my sister wanted to spend the day beside the hotels swimming pool. I never understood why people went to a country far away and just stayed on some chairs at the hotel getting a tan. Aunty put panties on me and a white summer dress as well as fluffy ankle socks. Her reasoning was that we were hanging around the hotel and everyone thought I was a girl.

I didn't complain but said I would rest in the room. It was just me and Billy. He was going to hang out with a girl he met. However, he said he wanted to be a good brother and have a talk with me first. He reminded me that I was now a 13-year-old boy. If I looked in the mirror, I could see I looked like a 10-year-old girl. He asked me why I was allowing aunty to change me to a baby girl. Why did I not say no? He reminded me that we would be starting school in 3 weeks, and I would be teased and bullied if It was known that I was a sissy.

I walked down to the swimming pool. Billy was wrong. Aunty was not changing me to a girl. I forgot my suitcase. Aunty would never have changed my suitcase with Sarah's old clothes.

I didn't tell Aunty what Billy said. She was too busy putting sun lotion on us.

A boy my age started speaking with me. His name was Alberto. He told me how pretty I was. When he saw me blushing, he laughed. He told me that he was 13 and that was too old to be a boyfriend to a 9-year-old girl. Alberto hoped we could be good friends. I should have told him that I was a boy and his age. However, I did not know how to explain the dress.

Alberto and I hung around the hotel and explored the rest of the day.

****************************************************************************

**August 5, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

I do not mind that I have to wear diapers to bed anymore. I have come to the conclusion that my body was strange. I must be the only 13-year old that did not start puberty or was not growing. The tablets that the doctor gave me did not work either.

Today I had yellow cotton shorts and a t-shirt with a glimmer unicorn on as well as those fluffy socks and pink sandals. Aunty put my hair in a ponytail. I would have loved to spend the day with Alberto, but Aunty decided that we should visit the Acropolis.

The Acropolis of Athens is one of the most famous ancient archaeological sites in the world. Over the centuries, the Acropolis was many things: a home to kings, a citadel, a mythical home of the gods, a religious center and a tourist attraction. It has withstood bombardment, massive earthquakes and vandalism yet still stands as a reminder of the rich history of Greece. Today, it is a cultural UNESCO World Heritage site and home to several temples, the most famous of which is the Parthenon.

Greece may be poor now and have no money, but back then Greece was rich. It was an amazing place and I would not mind living in ancient Greece,

When we came back to the hotel, Aunty wanted to rest. She was suffering because she was sunburnt. She spent so much time putting suntan lotion on Sarah and me, that she forgot herself.

I spent a few hours at the playground with Alberto.

****************************************************************************

**August 6, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

I fell out of bed again. I also miss mom and Dad and wonder if mom notices that we do not visit and speak to her when she is in a coma.

Aunty spoke with the hotel staff and asked them if they do not have a cot because I was falling out of the bed. They only had a toddler crib, but because I was small, I would fit in it. This was bad news for me. I started crying again at how strange my life was. Aunty put a pacifier in my mouth and reminded me that the doctor did say I would start acting more and more like a toddler.

I tried forgetting about it by spending the day with Alberto. He was now a good friend. I did feel bad that I was not honest by not telling him that I was a boy who was wearing girl clothes on this holiday. I was just afraid he would think I was gay or a sissy. I decided that being honest would not help anything.

****************************************************************************

**August 7, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

Being on holiday is supposed to be fun. Today was a bad day!

It started with Billy teasing that his prediction that I soon will be in a crib was true.

Sarah was also mad at me. She said I was spending most of my time with Alberto and not her. I told her that she could find some friends she could be with. This did not make Sarah happy. She wanted to be with me.

I went and found Alberto suntanning by the pool. We spent an hour or so just talking and joking with each other. Sarah found us and asked us if she could be with us. I joked and said that no one wanted a pesky little sister around them. This made Alberto smile and admit that he always thought Sarah was my older sister.

Sarah was mad because I ignored her and called her pesky. She told Alberto that I was a boy that liked dressing up and acting like a girl. At first, Alberto laughed at this and said it could not be true. Then he asked me if I was a sissy? When I looked down and started crying, Alberto cursed and walked away.

I ran back to our room and told what happened. Billy shrugged his shoulders and said he did warn me. Aunty just said that Alberto could not see how special I was.

****************************************************************************

**August 8, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

Sarah must have been feeling bad. She asked me all morning if I would forgive her. I nearly did until she said that she honestly did not consider me as a boy. She considered me as her little sister. This made me depressed. I no longer knew who I was.

I tried finding Alberto. He walked away every time. Then he told me to look at myself. I was a boy in a summer dress. He made it very clear that he could not accept people that were sissies or not content how God created them. There was no way that he wanted to be my friend.

I walked around the hotel grounds, where a man suddenly asked me if I was a model. I said no and that I was not allowed to speak with strangers. He showed me his press badge and asked could he take a picture of me. I was not thinking right, as I agreed. So the man took some pictures of me standing in front of a huge rose bush.

We have a week left in Greece. I do hope that it will get better.

**_To be continued_ **


	6. August 9 - 15, 2015

**August 9, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

I woke up today and just thought about my life. I was a 13-year-old boy that was sleeping in a crib. I wore diapers to bed and during the day I was dressed as a girl. I thought back to when I officially became a teenager. I planned to be cool and fall in love with Annie. What went wrong? Why was I now a baby sissy? This was not what I planned. This meant my life would be more complicated. The big question is what would I do when I went back to school!

I suppose most of my problems were small compared to billions of people that lived. I knew that billions lived in poverty and this meant it was hard enough for them to get something to eat! I have seen pictures of African children that were skin and bones and did not even have the energy to swat the flies around them. It made me cry every time I thought of some child dying from hunger. I am sure that the world produced enough food to feed us all!

I did get some great news. Dad rang to us and said that Mom recovered and was now out of the coma. On top of that, Mom would be home this week. She would have to take an easy for a while. This was the best news I had in a long time. I really missed my mom!

********************************************************************

**August 10, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

While we were on holiday having fun and all that, the rest of the world was doing what it usually did. Today 5 people were killed by terrorists at an airport in Afganistan. I will never understand some people. I will never understand how some people want to inflict their religion on others and think that violence would achieve peace. I will be honest, I had tears in my eyes as I saw the news. The world is such a cruel place.

It's not like I didn't have my own problems. Aunty put me in a one-piece swimming suit. It was pink with a fish in the front. She did my hair in pigtails and told me that I was like a princess. This upset Billy, that stomped out of the hotel room saying anyone can see I was a boy if they looked enough. It took me a while to think about what he meant by this.

Aunty took Sarah down to the beach and we started to build a sandcastle. Everything was fine until I saw Alberto. He looked at me for a bit and then grunted and walked away. I started crying again as I was sure he would be a good friend. He could not accept that I was different.

Do I want to be different?

Sarah put her arm around me and told me that I cry too easily. She told me that she knew I had a boy's body, but it could be a mistake from God. She liked the idea of having a little sister. I didn't know what to say about being a little sister. I was older than Sarah!

My aunt was just smiling as she saw that Sarah was being nice to me. Sarah was even praised when she told me that I could have all her old clothes.

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**August 11, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

I knew Billy thought that treating me as a sissy and wearing diapers was child abuse. He had this view that I was being brainwashed. Brian would say things like he could not understand how I did not just say no. He would ask me how many boys do I know that would say yes to wearing girl dresses and wearing diapers.

Aunty heard this and told us all to sit. She started by saying when we get home, we shouldn't make our mom worry. Then she looked at Billy and told him that he was being mean. She looked him in the eye and said that there are many boys that dress like a girl and many girls dress like boys. These children have gender identity problems which means that they may have a certain body, but this body does not match the identity of their gender. These children and even adults are considered transgender and despite they have the wrong body, they live like the gender they identify themselves with.

I wanted to be anywhere than listening to people discuss me. This was especially when she explained that I was most likely having a gender identity crises and I should be able to live as a girl and be a girl. Aunty finished by telling Billy and Sarah to support me!

Billy looked at me, still not accepting what was being said. I got up and said that I never expected a holiday in Greece to be like this. I told Sarah that we should go down to the pool.

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**August 12, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

I wonder if Annie notices that I am not there. I never did tell her that I was going on holiday. I also wondered if she wet the bed or maybe she was transgender! This made me laugh as she was too pretty to be a boy that lives as a girl.

In a way, I wanted to go home. I wanted to give mom a hug. I must also admit that I was a bit afraid of what she would say because I wore Sarah's clothes during these holidays.

There was Karaoke at the hotel that night. For once, Billy was being nice and said with my experience in the choir, I could win. He just reminded me that I was wearing a dress and tights.

I did not care. I went up to the stage and sang my heart out. I sang a song called “The Rose” by Bette Midler. It was such fun performing for other people. They praised me and stood up and clapped when I was done.

I won the competition. I can't wait to show mom the trophy

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**August 13, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

Today we visited Greek museums. This was a strange experience. Many of the statues were missing heads or limbs and many were just naked people! Some were a bit modest and had a fig leaf. I was shocked by the statues and could not understand why some people had to make statues of naked people. Maybe they did not have many clothes back in those days. I was glad that they had clothes now!

It was strange when people praised Sarah and me for being well behaved. Many also called me Sarah's little sister. It was embarrassing that Sarah was 3 years younger than me and yet we were the same size. Now people thought that she was my big sister.

I find at times that I do not really remember the fact that I am dressed as a girl. The strange thing is that sometimes I think I am a girl. I like when people tell me that I am pretty and adorable. It is only at times when I remember that I am really a boy. Then I am close to having a panic attack and hoping they don't find out.

Imagine if people knew that I wore diapers in bed!

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**August 14, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

We were going home tomorrow. The last day on a holiday is quite sad. This hotel has become our home for 2 weeks, and now we were going back to the life we wanted to escape.

Today Alberto wanted to speak with me. He wanted to apologize for being so mean to me and judging me. He thought I had a lot of courage in dressing as a girl. He thought it was great that I didn't care about what others thought and just lived the way that makes me happy.

I tried to tell him that when we went home, I would be a boy again. I wanted to say this but Alberto said at first he did not believe I was really a boy. I decided not to argue with him. I think it took a lot of courage for him to apologize.

Alberto gave me the cutest bear I ever have seen. The bear was pink had was holding a red heart that had “friends” written on it. I decided that this was one of the best presents I ever had.

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**August 15, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

Our holiday in Greece was now finished. It was time to go home. Of course, Aunty insisted I wear a diaper just in case I had an accident. I wore a frilly white party dress and white tights. I really did look like a small sister.

To be honest, I did not think about what I was wearing. I come to accept being a girl. a psychiatrist said I had a girl's spirit and so did Aunty. If I did not accept it, I would fight aunty all the way. So I was not embarrassed about traveling home. I was excited because we would see mum!

We finally did come home and Dad was waiting for us. I could see him smiling until he saw me. He asked “What in the world happened to my son. Why is he wearing a dress?”

I didn't have time to answer. I started to cry and panic. My face was wet with tears as I tugged at aunts' arm and said that my teddy bear was missing.

Dad looked so confused

**_To be continued_ **


	7. August 16-22, 2015

**August 16, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

The greek holiday was finished. It was great to see mom again. However, there was a lot of confusion when Mom and dad saw me. They did not expect their teenaged son to be wearing a dress and tights, with pigtails! Aunty tried explaining the situation we were in. They were the only clothes I could wear.

The humiliation did not stop there. Aunty told Mom and Dad that I had to wear diapers because I wet the bed. She told them that we visited a psychiatrist where she said I had a gender identity problem. All this was too much information for my parents. Mom said that she needed to rest and Dad just sighed when he looked at me.

Today when I woke up, I went to my dresser and put on jeans and a t-shirt. I was back in my old clothes. They did feel strange on me, and I felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes. Sarah looked sad at me and Aunty frowned.

Choir went ok. The boys started talking about some voices that were broken. I knew that when I became a teenager, my voice would get deep. This did not happen yet. The other boys then picked on me and told me that I would have to grow first. One boy said my long hair made him think if I was a girl. One boy even said I was so small, it would not surprise him if I still wore diapers.

I was happy to be home. I spent all afternoon with my mother. We did not do much except sit and were together. Sometimes being with someone in quietness is enough. When Dad was there, I told them that it was wrong that I let aunty dress me up as a girl. I admitted that I was confused.

Dad accepted my apology while mom said she read that teenagers had to find out who they were. She asked me did I feel comfortable being a girl. I looked at her and said I was a boy! Dad smiled and teased by saying a “diaper boy”

************************************************************

**August 17, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

I fell out of bed today. I still wet the bed every night. I was used to the diapers now and did not try and think too much about them. I tried not to think that it was something a baby had to do. I know I will get better sometime.

Aunty must have been in a bad mood or disappointed that I wore boy's clothes yesterday. When I got up, she had girl clothes put at the bottom of my bed. It was a skirt and a glitter tank top. I think she expected me to wear them. My aunt probably thought that I was such a sissy, that I missed wearing girl clothes and would love the chance to wear them again.

I tried 14 days as a girl in Greece, and I am still unsure about how I felt about it. I ignored the clothes on the bed and wore my old boy's clothes again.

Otherwise today I helped take care of mom. I asked her could I see the new Disney film that was coming out this week. Mom said that she could not take me. When I asked Dad, he told me that a lot was happening. He had no time to take me to see any movie. This now became a mission for me. I wanted to see the movie.

************************************************************

**August 18, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

When I came down to visit mom today, I could see that she had her parenting books all around her. This made me want to sigh and hide.

Mom explained that she had a long talk with my aunt and she now needed to read a lot to understand how I felt and what I needed.

She started by saying that she knew that I started wetting the bed and it was wise that I wore diapers to bed. She had to read a lot about it and was surprised at how common it was. She found out that 2-3% of boys my age wet the bed.

“Do not be ashamed about it.” She said, “You do not have any day accidents. We must look at the positive side. The other thing your aunt said is that a psychiatrist thinks you consider yourself a girl. You think that God has made a mistake. You felt more yourself and at ease when you were a girl in Greece. This is also getting common. More and more children consider themselves transgenders. I am confused as to why you have your boy clothes on.”

I tried telling mom that I was a boy. However, she said that a psychiatrist cannot be wrong. I was holding on to my identity as a boy because I was afraid of what would happen.

Why can't everyone just forget Greece and what the psychiatrist said?

************************************************************

**August 19, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

I had a lot of thinking to do. My life was now in a mess and I wanted it back to the way it was. I sat under a large tree in the corner of the garden and figured I needed to think.

Aunty and my sister thought I was a sissy and mom was slowly getting on their side. Dad thought the idea was disgusting and Billy thought I was a wimp. The fact is that I did dress up as a girl in Greece. I did like the different attention and I did like when people thought I was pretty. The fact was that I knew I looked like a girl. Even when I was dressed as a boy. I looked like a tomboy.

Then the psychiatrist said I wanted to be a toddler again. This was hard to understand as I really looked forward to being a teenager. Still, I wet the bed and wore diapers. I even fell out of bed sometimes and used a crib in Greece. I always have a pacifier in my pocket. Is all this because I feel safer when I was acting like a toddler?

Now I had to think of the reality. I am a boy with a boy's body. I am a teenager. I am in love with Annie. On top of this, I knew that I would be bullied and teased non-stop. My classmates would not accept if I started to wear the girl's uniform. I would be an outcast and people would think that I am weird.

I remember my plan as a teenager was to be cool and to get Annie to love me. I have to get back to my plan and be as cool as I could. I had to show my aunt and everyone who agreed with her that I am a boy

Project Cool Allie is back in motion!

************************************************************

**August 20, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

When I came down for breakfast Dad and mom and Aunty were arguing. I was starting to think if Aunty was starting to live here. She was never here so much until she became obsessed with me. 

Dad shouted no. Then the women were saying that he needed to support me. Dad shouted at the top of his voice that I was not wearing a girl's uniform to school. The women continued to tell Dad on why he should let me. No one considered that they should ask me what I thought

It didn't matter. The doorbell rang and it was the police. They asked mom if she had any enemies. This was strange and everyone went quiet. The police explained that the accident mom was in was no accident. Someone tampered with the car and wanted to hurt my mother!

I doubt I will sleep tonight. Someone wants to kill my mother.

************************************************************

**August 21, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

I didn't sleep that well last night. In fact, I fell out of bed.

Nothing much happened today. I tried to speak with Sarah so she would help me persuade mom or dad to take us to the new Disney movie. Sarah just looked at me and did not respond. This made me sad. I mean we were so close when we were in Greece and now it was as if she was ignoring me.

************************************************************

**August 22, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

Mom was up today and walking around. This made me so happy. It means that things are getting back to normal. Mom even told aunty that she did not need her anymore. This upset Aunty and was quite defiant when she said she was still needed here.

I agreed with mon. I would even help aunty pack!

There was a lot of commotion outside. I ran to the door and could see that Sarah was so excited. She told us that a new family was moving in.

Then I saw her. A girl my age was moving in with an old woman. The girl was like a goddess. I had to remind myself to breathe as I looked at her. I didn't want her to look at me as I probably looked like a lovesick puppy.

The question now is who do I love more, Annie or this new girl?

**_To be continued_ **


	8. August 23-29, 2015

**August 23, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was Choir again at the church. Of course, we came at the last minute, which annoyed the priest. Besides Billy being so slow in the bathroom. It was mom's first time out in public. She had to take her time and take things slowly. I was proud of my mom, she showed so much courage.

I met Annie as we were entering Church. She told me that we could speak after. 

There was a strange atmosphere at the choir and the mass itself. The boys were looking at the newspaper. They were giggling and looking at me. I didn't have time to look at it. However, I could see the people at mass looking at the newspaper. Then they would look at me with strange smiles or disapproving ones. Dad and mum were whispering to each other.

When I was changing, I found out what all the commotion was. I looked at the newspaper. It was me dressed as a girl in Greece. I remembered when some man wanted to take a picture of me. He was really a journalist! I wanted to tell the other boys I could explain. But what could I explain? That picture said enough. My life was ruined.

On my way out to the car, everyone was staring at me. Mom held my hand close to protect me. Annie walked by me without saying a word and my arch enemy Noah just gave me some wicked smile. He would no doubt make my life at school hell.

Aunty tried to cheer me up. She said she would be taking Sarah and me to see a film the next day.

****************************************************************

**August 24, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

I could not stop thinking about Annie. She most definitely has noticed that I was now alive. She probably thought that I was a sissy and wore dresses when I could. I am sure that if I explained why I had to wear Sarah's clothes, she would understand and think that I was in fact brave for wearing a dress under the circumstances.

How wrong I could be. When I knocked at Annie's door, her mother answered. She looked at me as if I was the most wanted criminal in the country. She snapped at me that Annie did not want to see me. Her mother was happy about this. Both Annie and her mom thought I was a sissy and a bad influence.

As I went home I was holding my head low. I was in tears and thought that my life was over. People would never forget that picture. At the age of 13 years and one month, I would now have the status of being an outcast and a weird boy.

The new girl was hanging outside her new house. She rushed to me and told me her name was Isabella but everyone called her Bella. She lived with her granny.

I stopped crying as I could not help to think that Bella was so pretty. She was just like an angel. It was too late. She noticed that I have been crying so I told her the story. I was sure that she would run away and think that I was a freak.

Bellas reaction shocked me, “I thought the picture was cute. You do look like a girl in it. Not every boy could do that. I think it shows you have the courage and you do look very happy. Even if you wanted to be a girl, no one should make you cry over that. I think you should dress and be what makes you happy.”

I assured Bella that I was not a sissy. She announced in a chirpy voice that she would like to be friends. I could not believe my ears. One of the prettiest girls I ever met wanted to be my friend.

I was on a pink cloud

That night we went to see an old film called Billy Elliot. Basically it's a boy that wants to do ballet and this is hard for others to accept. They all think he was a sissy because he wants to do ballet. The fact is that he just liked doing ballet. He did have a friend who liked dressing as a girl.

I know I will be thinking tonight why Aunty thought it was so important that I have seen that film.

****************************************************************

**August 25, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

I was bored today. Sarah did not want to play. She was being strange since we came from Greece. Mom said it was a good time for us to talk.

She admitted that she noticed that I was so sad. I broke down crying and told her that all I ever want is to be a cool teen like anyone else. I wanted Annie to fall in love with me and to do well at school. My plan was to be accepted and liked by everyone.

Being a teenager was wrong. Not only was there terrorism and starvation and poverty, people thought that I really wanted to be a girl!

Mom reminded me that people always thought I was a girl. She then looked in my eye and told me that I was never as happy as I was when I was wearing girl clothes in Greece and was a girl while I was there. I was not judged there. Mom asked why I was so happy then... I said that I honestly did not know.

Mom promised me that we would talk again. She was reading a lot about feminine boys.

****************************************************************

**August 26, 2015**

**Wednesday**

_Dear Diary_

Today I was to visit the doctor. Mom asked Aunty to take me to the doctor. This was the doctor that caused so much trouble. I started having a tantrum. I didn't have a tantrum like this since I was a toddler. It was a good way to get a lot of frustration out. Aunty told me to stop, as it was upsetting my mom.

So we went to the doctor. The secretary gave me some earphones and told me to listen to some music while I was waiting. This was a nice change. The music was Madonna music, so Dad would have loved it. Still, it passed time.

It was time for me to go in. I was shocked that it was Bella that came out. Why was she at the doctor's? Bella looked red as a rose when she saw me. She looked so embarrassed. I tried saying hello to her, but she held on her granny's hand and walked out.

I noticed that she had such a nice dress. I would love to wear it. Why did I say that?

The doctor called me in and told me that she heard that I had such a good time in Greece where I was allowed to be myself. I wanted to protest, but the words could not get out of my mouth.

“I see the subliminal music is working.” the doctor said. “The patient will think less and accept what others say. The hormone tablets must be continued. Her body needs hormones at the moment. We will help the transition more by giving her two shots. The first is a puberty blocker. This will stop the production of male hormones and stop puberty. The second one is an anti-growth contraction drug. This one is very experimental and not approved. It will stop the patient's growth and in some cases, the patient will become smaller. There are side effects. The patient could experience pain like growing pains, and the patient could we weaker and have problems with coordination.”

Aunty asked if all this war ethical. The doctor laughed and asked was it now she was asking such a question?

I didn't understand a word of what the doctor said. I heard her speaking and I could write everything down. However, it seems all jibberish to me. The only thing I understood was when she stuck me with two needles. They hurt so much that I started crying. I did not even notice when Aunty put a pacifier in my mouth.

I will go to bed now. Dad is delighted that I am listening to Madonna music.

****************************************************************

**August 27, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

School starts in less than a week. I am still wetting the bed. Dad is complaining about how much diapers cost!

Mom and Dad were arguing about me. It was the same argument as they have had the last few times. Dad wanted me to be a boy and stop being so foolish and weird. He warned my mother that I would end up in some madhouse. Mom was saying that I was finding myself. She was trying to convince my dad that he should support me.

Bella and her grandmother came. Bella was very shy which was not like her. She was clutching on to her grandma trying to avoid looking at me. I went to her and told her that I hoped she was well again after being at the doctor's. This made Bella look at me and say that I did not know why she was there. That was a strange thing to say. I was just happy that she was no longer shy and back to her formal self.

Mom told her granny that she asked her over for a reason. She has seen an advertisement that after school, Bellas's grandmother was willing to take care of children. Mom wanted her to take care of Sarah and me. Bella and I were jumping up and down with the joy, We would be together after school!

As Bella went home, I was thinking I should fix my hair so it was pretty like hers. Then I slapped myself. Why was I thinking that?

****************************************************************

**August 28, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

Today was a lazy day. Sarah was still acting strange to me and did not want to be with me.

My best friend Andrew came. He talked a lot about the picture of me that was in the newspaper. I told him that I would never be popular or even liked at school. This made Andrew shrug his shoulders and ask why was life about being popular. Why was life not about being happy and kind for oneself and others. Andrew could have some strange thoughts. I doubted that Noah knew what the word kind meant.

Mom spent some time brushing my hair today. I love when she brushed my hair. Mom noticed that I no longer asked to get it cut where I immediately snapped that I did not want it cut. I wanted to look pretty. Then I looked in her eyes and said I did not know why I said that.

Mom sighed and said that I am not a happy child.

****************************************************************

**August 29, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

Mom told me that she needed to speak with me.

“ You have been confused and sad lately.” she said, “The doctor thinks you are regressing so you would feel safe as a doctor. You have started wetting the bed. On top of that, it is obvious that you do not know if you are a boy or a girl. I think you do know deep down and cannot accept it, You are fighting against it.”

Despite mom thinking that I was really a girl. She promised me that she would not force me to live as a girl or dress like one. I had to be the one that came and tell her what I wanted.

This means that I am a boy and can continue being one

**_To be continued_ **


	9. August 30- September 5, 2015

**August 30, 2015**

**Sunday**

_Dear Diary_

While Dad and I were waiting for Billy to finish in the toilet, I told dad that mom and I had a serious talk. We agreed that this summer has been confusing because people thought I wanted to be a sissy. Now, mom told me that no one would pressure me into being someone I wasn't. I assure Dad that I was a boy.

I was hoping that Dad would be proud of me. I didn't expect that he wouldn't hear a word I said. He was in a daydream and suddenly asked me what I said. Luckily mom came and asked did I take the vitamin pill that the doctor gave me.

The choir was a nightmare. The boys asked why I did not wear a dress and some even asked me if I was in the choir to get a boyfriend. They all asked why I didn't cut my hair during the summer. I stood bravely up and told them that even rockstars had long hair.

Just before mass started, mom came up to where the choir was. She took a baby wipe from her handbag and wiped my cheek with the baby wipe. This was one of these times when a mom has done something that could destroy what little reputation I had. I could hear the other boys snickering as she has done this. Do parents not remember what it was like when they were teens?

*******************************************************

**August 31, 2015**

**Monday**

_Dear Diary_

School starts in a few days. I was looking forward to school, but now I wish that the summer holidays would continue until I could repair my image.

I woke up and the diaper was still wet. I got used to the bedwetting and it did not bother me that much, as no one at school would really know. I had no intention of telling anyone.

Mom said I could be a boy, but why was I thinking so much about girl toys and clothes. I started thinking of these things when I got Madonna music from the doctor. Maybe she was trying to brainwash me through the music! I had to smile at this, as the doctor would not hurt me or do something that crazy.

At any case, I will stop listening to the music

I was looking at toddler TV in the afternoon. I do not know why I suddenly was looking at it, but I was engrossed in it. It was like the TV was taking me to another world. I knew I should have seen something in my old age group. Now it was too late. Needless to say. Billy teased me.

*******************************************************

**September 1, 2015**

**Tuesday**

_Dear Diary_

School starts tomorrow. I am a bit worried about how it will be. Will people tease me that I am small and have long hair? Will they remember the newspaper? I am sure that they would and I wondered if I could be strong enough

The crises of everyone thinking I was a girl at home was over. Mom warned aunty not to try to influence me and to leave me in peace. This did not make aunty happy. Still, she had no choice. Mum had decided that I was to make the decision by myself.

This meant that I can get back to my plan. I had to show everyone that I was a boy. I had to like cool clothes, cool music, and cool films. It would be an extra plus for me if Annie sat next to me in class.

After my bath, I looked at the mirror. I just looked at it wondering why I did not grow. I also wondered why there was no sign of puberty. Why has it not started?

*******************************************************

**September 2, 2015**

_Wednesday_

_Dear Diary_

I do not know where to start. Today was a day I would rather forget. I woke up as usual with a wet diaper when suddenly I got an anxiety attack. I was worried if I would have an accident at school! It took mom some time to calm me down.

When I was about to walk out the door, mom panicked and said that I forgot the vitamin pill.

The day started badly. As soon as I came to school. Noah saw me and asked me did I get smaller during the summer. Then he teased about my hair, saying many girls there will be jealous of my hair. I felt so embarrassed. I remember at the beginning of the summer, I was begging mom for a haircut. Now I did not want it cut

The others started teasing me as well. It didn't help that the picture from the newspaper of me in a dress was hanging on the bulletin boards. I went over to tear it down, but there was a new one hanging up later. Someone surely thought it was fun to do.

I did plan to let Annie sit next to me in class. I gathered all the courage I had and told Annie that she could sit next to me. She looked at me and giggles as she walked past me. I could feel my eyes well up as the love of my life just walked by.

Luckily, Bella came in and seen what happened. Everyone was so shocked when she sat down next to me.

After school, Sarah and I went to Bellas's house. She had a princess bedroom and I do not know why this made me feel jealous. Bella could also see that I had a bad day and understood that I wanted to sit by myself and be alone. Bella and Sarah played together. Bella had great patience with Sarah, especially when Sarah asked Bella if she fancied me.

*******************************************************

**September 3, 2015**

**Thursday**

_Dear Diary_

The school was not that much better. I was now being called a princess. People were convinced that I was a sissy. They even asked why I was not wearing a girl's uniform. I did my best to ignore them.

It's true what they say about children. Children can be so cruel to each other. It's like the strong survive and the weak stay at the bottom to be trampled on.

I was once again being taken care of by Bellas's grandmother after school. She was an old woman and could be very funny. She told me that I had an angelic face. Another time, she told me that she did not like boys in the house, but she could see that I was special, so she was glad that I was here!

Bella had everything a girl could wish for, and a wardrobe full of clothes. There was nothing that a boy could play with. So I done homework out in the back yard and then used the swing. I would have to get used to being at this girl's paradise after school-.

Bella joined me and we started talking. Sarah did not like this. She was used to Bella giving her all her time. Bella and I chatted while we were on the swings. She did not understand why I fancied Annie, as Annie was always so mean. I tried to change the subject and said there are lots of pictures of a boy in the house. Bella went white and said that he is family.

Sarah was not happy no one was paying attention to her. She came out and asked Bella how she could fancy me. Then Sarah opened her mouth by announcing that I wore diapers in bed because I wet the bed. There was silence as I was in shock. Luckily mom picked us up.

Bella tried text messaging me several times asking if I was ok? I was too embarrassed to answer her.

*******************************************************

**September 4, 2015**

**Friday**

_Dear Diary_

I know three things

It's not my fault I wet the bed. Diapers help.

I hate School. They continue to tease and bully me.

I am also so mad at Sarah. I told her that she was evil. I would never speak with her again or forgive her that she told Bella that I wet the bed.

Bella tried several times at school to speak with me, but what would I say? I was too embarrassed. What would she think of a boy that wore diapers?

I was forced to be at her house. I spent much of the time with her grandmother. Bella had enough. She took my hand and dragged me into her room. Bella told me that it was wrong for Sarah to tell her that I wet the bed. She promised that she would never tell anyone. Then Bella lifted her skirt and showed me the diaper she was wearing. I could not believe my eyes. A girl just lifted her skirt in front of me, and she was wearing a diaper. Bella explained that we had the same problem, she just had to wear all the time.

*******************************************************

**September 5, 2015**

**Saturday**

_Dear Diary_

No School today!

Aunty was visiting again. We were sitting and playing a game. I was still not speaking with Sarah and doubted that I ever would speak with her.

A policeman and policewoman came to our house asking if aunty was there. They told her that she was under arrest. Sarah held my hand as she was afraid. We all stood there in shock as Aunty was getting handcuffs on.

Aunty was told that she was being arrested on an attempt to murder.

We all were in shock and told the police that there must have been a mistaking. Aunty would never murder anyone.

However, she was taken away.

Sarah cried on my shoulder as I told her everything would be fine.

**_To be continued_ **


	10. September 6 -12, 2015

**September 6, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Everyone walked around the house as if they were zombies. We said nothing to each other as we got ready for church. We could not believe that Aunty was arrested for attempted murder. It was even on the news. I am sure we all had the same question on our minds. Who was aunty trying to murder?

Maybe this was a sign. Maybe aunty's arrest was to show me that God created me a boy and everything that aunty said was false! I know I was happy and at peace in Greece when I was a girl but since I came back, I have only been confused. Being a sissy does not make you popular. It just makes you look like a freak and an outcast. 

While mom was giving me the tablet, I told her that I wanted my hair cut. Mom promised that we can when we visited the doctor. This was September 17. I hoped that there would be no shots. 

The choir was the same as usual. I was being teased. This time it was about my aunt being arrested. People sure found out quickly. They were asking did she murder me when I was a boy and did I reincarnate as a sissy?

Bella was waiting for me outside the church, but I did not notice. I tried to speak to Annie. She totally ignored me. 

* * *

**September 7, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I woke up today but wanted to go back to sleep. I still wet the bed and was reminded about this when Sarah looked in the door and informed me that I still wore diapers in bed. She asked me what would the school say if she told them. She already told Bella. Sarah had the potential to inform the whole school. 

I jumped out of bed and pushed her as hard as I could. I warned her not to tell a soul. Sarah was shocked that I used violence and she shouted that she hated me. That hurt! She got her revenge at breakfast when she said she noticed I was wearing the boy's uniform and said the girls one suited me better.  
  
I know Sarah liked me dressed as a girl, but I decided that I wanted friends. I wanted Annie to notice me. I wanted to be cool. I had to be the boy that God created. 

I was of course teased at school. Bella spoke with me and told me not to worry. She liked me the way that I was. I smiled and responded in a loud voice that next week, no one will tease me, as my hair would be cut.

I hoped everyone would hear this. 

* * *

**September 8, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Today we got a new teacher. Miss Applewing was a very old woman that had craters as the moon has on her face. She stumped over like the hunchback of Notredame. She was a very stern old woman that gave us a big speech on how she expected the best behavior from us, and she would not expect any diddy daddling or childish behavior. She said her aim was to make us respectable citizens. 

The class just stared at this new teacher. I was wondering if she would survive the class because she was so old. 

I was the first one to pick on. She asked me if I was a boy or a girl. When I replied that I was a boy, she said that I needed to cut my hair, The world did not need another rock star or hippie. The classmates laughed and Noah explained that I was a sissy. 

I ran out of the class as I heard Miss Applewing let out a large sigh. 

* * *

**September 9, 2015**   
_**Wednesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I wanted to stay in bed and say I was sick. I also wanted to take the wet diaper off me. 

I was surprised that Bella came over so quickly. She said that we could walk to school together. Billy laughed at this and least someone wanted to be with me. He asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend!

Annie was the love of my life. She did not know it yet. Bella was a friend that lived across the street. We share a secret together, She had a bladder problem that meant that she needed a diaper. I needed one when I slept. This was a deep secret we had and I trusted that she would never tell anyone. 

Before we went to school. Mom told me to remember my tablet. Bella looked surprised and was shocked. I did not know why she was so shocked at me taking a vitamin pill. Girls could be so strange at times. 

On our way to school, Bella asked me why I got those tablets. I told her they were just vitamin pills. Bella did not accept this and said she had the same ones and they were for something else. I smiled and said many tablets are pink and look the same. Bella continued and asked if I got injections. I did not answer that. I did not want to go to the doctor next week and get injections. 

Noah shoved me against the wall at school and said, “You may be getting a haircut but that does not mean that you are cool. You will always be a sissy and a wimp. Accept and do not try and be something you never will be.”

I would prove him wrong. 

* * *

**September 10, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Nothing much happened at school today, Bella invited me over to her house after school. 

We sat at the table eating cake that her mom made, It was here that I noticed that her mother was not as quiet as the other times I visited. She was more demanding and more like a strict mother. She would order Bella to do things and remind Bella how a lady should act. This was different than the times that she seemed so nice. 

Bella was also different. She was quiet around her mother. She did not speak without permission and did argue when her mom said something. The interesting thing was that her mom was nice to me, but changed her tone when she spoke with Bella. 

Bella was told that she was to change her school uniform. When Bella was doing that, her mom continued to speak to me. She told me that she loved Bella, but she needs direction. 

“I know Bella told you she wore diapers,” she said, “ I was surprised at this. The truth is that Bella does not wear them all the time. She wore them as a punishment. I know this sounds strange that a child wears diapers. The thing is that it works. I hope this will not affect your friendship. She is a lovely girl. She does not wear them now.”

This made me think. Why did Bella make me think she wore them all the time? Why was her mother so strict. 

Bella came out wearing a frilly dress and white tights. I whispered to her that she was very lucky that she could change her own diaper. Bella quickly changed the subject and said we should do our homework

As we did this, I looked around the room. I really wanted to ask Bella who the boy was In all the pictures. 

I suggested that we have a sleepover. It could be at my house or her house. Bella went white and said that she did not like sleepovers and she did not like them. I felt like I upset her and went home. 

* * *

**September 11, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Sarah and I have not been speaking with each other all week. Every time I look at her, she would look away. I know I had a right to be mad at her, but at the same time, I missed her. We were always close, and supported each other and made each other smile. There was little I could do. Sarah had to apologize. 

The Queen made history today as she now sat on the throne for 63 years. I am sure Queen victoria was spinning in her grave and saying that she is not amused. It made me think, would I make a good a good king? I knew that I would banish Noah!

* * *

**September 12, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Mom and Dad wanted to speak with us today. We sat down as they told us that they spoke with the police and knew more about why Aunty was arrested.

The police have charged aunty with attempted murder. Aunty fooled around with mom's car, so the breaks did not work. This meant that Aunty wanted to murder mom!

I was in shock. Mom was now in tears and I was mad. How can one sister want to kill another sister?

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	11. September 13-19, 2015

**September 13, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I was looking forward to the choir today. I was doing a solo. The priest told me that I had a talent for singing, and I was lucky that my voice did not break. Then he went into a long speech on how sad it is when a voice breaks, saying that it is one of the greatest gifts from God. 

The other boys were quiet as we got our robes on. This was until Noah started teasing and saying that I will never get a deep manly voice. He told me that I should just admit that I was a girl and accept my fate. I should have responded, but I did not want to cause a scene. 

The time came for me to sing my solo. Then things went wrong. As I was singing, I could feel my legs get cold and wet. I continued to sing until I heard the other boys snickering and the people just looking in shock. Then I realized that I just wet myself! I looked down slightly and could see a small puddle at the bottom of my feet. I do not know how I finished the song. 

When I was done, I walked out of the church and waited for my family. Mom rushed out and said that I should not worry. I have a lot of stress, Being a teenager and aunty in jail as well as that picture in the newspaper  
How will I survive at school tomorrow?

I got a text from Mrs. Murphy. She wanted my help tomorrow to do some chores. I still do not have enough money for a new phone. 

* * *

**September 14, 2015**   
**Monday**   
_Dear Diary_

I was surprised when no one teased me at school. I expected to be a hard day. I mean who wets themselves in Church while everyone can see?

Noah even came up to me and asked me why did I not say I was sick? Then after some silence, he admitted that I had no reason to tell anyone I had a sickness, as everyone was too busy teasing me. He put his arm around me and promised me he would no longer tease me. 

I stood there thinking of why I did not tell him I was well. I think it was because I expected something else, I did not expect my greatest enemy to feel sorry for me. I know that I should have been honest and said that I was not sick. I was just too afraid of what would happen when people find out that I wet the bed, and it happened at the choir too!

Miss Murphy just wanted me to lift some boxes that day. After she invited me to have some cookies with a lot of warnings not to spread crumbs. She tried to be calm and told me I seemed to be sad. I told her everything that has been happening to me since I have become a teenager.

Miss Murphy sighed and said, “I blame the media. They have no role models that you can look up to. Your aunt seems like she was manipulating you as well, making you think that there is a reason you look feminine. I am sure cutting your hair will solve that. God created you for a purpose. You are a boy. Trust that he has a plan for you and this plan is for you as a boy. I am sure when you realize this, you will not be unhappy or confused.”

Mrs. Murphy was right. 

* * *

**September 15, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Sarah was still not talking with me. 

Today mom had an announcement at breakfast. She said she knew that Aunty was accused of trying to murder her. However, she felt that it was hard to believe. She wanted us to support our aunt this Saturday by visiting her. Billy said there was no way he was visiting her. She was a criminal and tried to kill his mother. Why should he give her the time of the day? Sarah mumbled as she asked if Aunty would be proud of me?

I went to school and was once again surprised that I was not teased. Everyone was so nice and even helped me as if I was dying. I did feel bad that they thought I was very sick. I wanted to be honest with them and say that I was not sick. However, I was not used to the friendliness everyone showed me. I was not ready for things to be the way they were before.

I was not even teased when mom came to the school in a panic and told me that I needed to have that pink tablet. Parents can be so embarrassing. Under normal circumstances, I would be called a mommas boy or something like that. Everyone just looked at me with a sad face. They thought it was a pill because I was dying. 

On the way home, Bella talked about how strange parents can be. I like Bella. She does not care what others think of her. She does not care that she has few friends. Bella has a heart of gold. There is some mystery concerning Bella. As we said goodbye, she told me that she wished that I would not cut my hair. 

Tonight, I started putting the girl's clothes I had not hidden in a plastic bag. Mrs. Murphey was right. God created me a boy! He had a plan for me. 

* * *

**September 16, 2015**   
**Wednesday**   
_Dear Diary_

Today, things got back to normal. Someone from my class spoke with Sarah and told her that it must be so hard that I was very sick. Sarah told them that I was not sick. I wore diapers in bed because I wet the bed. This shocked so many people, as besides being a sissy, I now wet the bed. They also thought that it was so bad of me to lie about being sick. 

I should be mad at Sarah. However, she is not to blame. She told the truth. It was me that did something wrong. 

I was ignored. Even my best friend Andrew ignored me. After school. Bella told me that she wanted to walk home alone. 

When I came home, Mom hugged me and told me she heard about what was happening at school. She sighed and said that the teenage years are so hard. She suggested that I relax and listen to the music that the doctor gave me. 

I listened to music thinking I should use this time to finish packing the girl clothes. The music did relax me and I remember what Bella said about not cutting my hair. In a way she was right. It was part of my identity and I liked long hair. I shouldn't care if I looked like a girl. Who decided how a boy and girl should look and act anyway? I was a girl for a few weeks in Greece and I loved it. I was happy and I never was noticed so much. God could have made a mistake and gave me the wrong body! If I was meant to be a girl, should I ignore it?

* * *

**September 17, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Today I went to the doctor. She was a bit disappointed in seeing me in boy's clothes. I told her that I packed all my girl clothes and knew that I had a boy's body. I admitted to her that I like being a girl for two weeks in Greece. When I wore girl clothes, no one could see that I was a boy. It was fun to try. However since I came home, things have been very hard. I was bullied at school for being a sissy. 

I also told her that everyone was telling me if I was a boy or a girl. This was confusing as I was sure no other boy at the school had to listen to things like this. I just wished people would stop and let me be who I was. If this meant I considered myself a boy, they should accept it and if this meant that I was transgender, they should accept it. 

The doctor gave me that shot once again and it hurt! As she was giving it to me, she asked if I wanted my hair cut. I looked at mom and said just a small bit. I still wanted long hair as I liked it. Mom sighed and mumbled something about teenagers. 

The doctor told me she could understand the confusion I had and how people were. She reminded me to listen to music she gave me and she would find other ways to help me. 

* * *

**September 18, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I was ignored again at school. Even Bella and Andrew ignored me. There were some comments that they could hardly see that my hair was cut. Then they just called it another one of my lies. I hated being called a liar! I knew now that I would never lie again. Would I ever be forgiven?

When I was home, I tried speaking with Sarah. She was still mad at me. She was drawing a picture. I looked at it. It was our family holding hands. The thing was that Sarah drew me as a girl, wearing the same dress she had. Then it hit me like lightning. Sarah liked it when I was her sister. She missed her sister!

* * *

**September 19, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Today we visited my aunt. Dad and Brian did not come. I joked to mom that we should take some bread with us with a file inside it. Needless to say, mom did not understand my humor. 

Aunty was very quiet and so were we. I guessed that aunty had so much shame that she did not know what to say. What would mom say to a woman that tried to kill her? So we sat there until the time was up.

Mom promised that we would come again. Aunty looked at me and said that she hoped that I would visit her again. 

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	12. September 20-26, 2015

**September 20, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I do not know why I was crying in bed all morning, It should have been one of the best days of my life. I did not wet the bed. Yet, here I was crying my head off. It seems that everything was wrong in my life. I had no friends now as Andrew and Bella were ignoring me. My sister was mad at me and Billy thought I was so weird. Even Dad hardly even spoke with me anymore. 

Some people are simply not likable. Maybe I am one of them! 

The choir was not the same. I half expected the boys to tease me, but they were all silent. I can tell you when you are not popular, at least teasing is some interaction you have with others. However, silence and being ignored is the worse thing anyone can experience. 

After prayers, Father Immer told me that he wanted to speak with me. 

“I notice the way the other boys are with you” he explained, “You are at an age where a boy needs friends. Teenagers can always be mean to each other. I can see you are special. You are more sensitive and delicate than the other boys. Your singing voice and the fact that you are very small means that you are different. I know this must be a lonely time for you. If you ever need to talk, you should know that I am here.”

As I left, Father Immer told me that it even seemed like I was not growing!

Bella was waiting outside the Church. She told me that she was avoiding me because she found it hard believing that I would lie that I was dying. When I told her the whole story, she understood better. She asked me if we were still friends. I hugged her, 

Bella told me that we were alike. The girls at school did not like her either. 

* * *

**September 21, 2015**   
_**Monday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I did not wet the bed for the second day. I rushed down and told mom. She smiled and said that she knew it was only a phase as all the parenting books said the same. Mom also said that I do not need to wear diapers anymore!

I was so happy! I did not have to wear diapers and Bella was once again a friend.  
  
I decided to end the feud with Sarah. When I came home from school, I asked her if she wanted to play dolls. Sarah became so excited and happy. As we played dolls, I told Sarah that we should never hate each other and fight as we did. She was my sister and I would always be there for her. She was more important than any friend that I could have. 

Sarah hugged me and said she was sorry for how mean she was. She knew I was a boy, but missed me being her sister. I smiled and told her we should play with the dolls. Once again I was in a fantasy world that made me forget everything else. The dolls became a reality. I felt like all my problems disappeared. 

I was sad when mom called us down to supper. 

Dad congratulated me during supper about the fact that I did not need diapers anymore. He laughed and said that he was worried for some time, that I was one of the gay drag queens. I did not know what he meant by that, but at least he was now paying attention to me. 

Sarah told them as she chomped on her food that she suspected that I would marry soon as she could see that Bella fancied me. That made me laugh so much

* * *

**September 22, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I was no longer a baby wetting the bed and slowly people were forgiving me for the lie about dying. It was about time that I had put my old plan of what I should achieve as a teenager back on plan. I needed to be seen as one of the cool boys. In this way, Annie would finally notice me.   
I called it "project teenager".  
  
The school was going better. At least they were not ignoring me. One girl noticed that Sarah was growing fast and I still was 4 ft 7. That did not bother me. I would show them that being cool had nothing to do with my size. 

After school, I went to the sheds by the school. This is where the cool boys stood and smoked. At first, they laughed and said that girls are not allowed. Then an older boy called Patrick said that I could stay. He was 16 and to be honest, I never really spoke with him. 

Noah was there and started asking me a lot of questions about Andrew. He asked me if Andrew was my best friend. When I admitted that he was, they all asked if Andrew was gay. I did not think and admitted that I thought he could be. Then they all started laughing and started assuming that we were boyfriends. I stood up for myself and told them I fancied a girl.

Noah was not done yet. He asked me if Bella was a girl. Noah spoke with some girls and they thought that Bella was not a girl. This confused me. I shouted that Bella was a girl. I was at her house!

It was dark now behind the shed. I haven't realized that we were there for hours. One boy offered me a cigarette. At first, I said no, but I also knew that I had to show that I was cool. I put it in my mouth and lit it. There was a huge flame. This scared me. I realized that I lit the cigarette on the wrong side. I lit the filter side which poofed up in flames. 

The other boys laughed and Patrick said he had to go. He said he lived close to me and we could walk together. 

I walked in shame and was so embarrassed. Patrick said nothing until we came to my house. Patrick told me I should want people to like me for who I was. He told me that I was different, and this made me special. 

* * *

**September 23, 2015**   
_**Wednesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

The boys teased me at school. Andrew must have heard that I was gay, as he pushed me as hard as he could in the school hallway. He shouted that he thought that we were friends. 

I was glad to be home. I was depressed because my “project teenager” seemed to be a failure. I could even have lost Andrew as a friend. Annie didn't notice me. Patrick summed it up. I was not like other boys. I was different. 

I listened to the music that the shrink gave me. It did calm me down. I had to accept that I was different. This could not bad. At least I was not mean with others and have to work so hard at being popular. Sarah was younger, and she would soon experience the pressure of being popular. Things were much easier when I was a toddler. I was happy and had no problems. 

After I listened to the music, I found Sarah that was trying new dresses on. It ended that we both started dressing up in her dresses and clothes. I was surprised how pretty I looked when I saw myself in the mirror wearing clothes. I was also amazed at how happy I felt and the fun Sarah and I had. She was so lucky that she could be a girl. 

Our game was interrupted when Dad shouted and told me that I should be ashamed. He ordered me to put my boy clothes on. Sarah defended me by shouting back to leave her sister alone. 

* * *

**September 24, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Today I woke up crying. I had pains all over my body. I did everything to try and get rid of the pains. I curled myself in a ball and told God that I did not want to die. Mom heard me screaming and crying and said it was growing pains. She gave me a warm bubble bath until the pains subsided. 

Swimming was the last class today. After class, I waited outside the school for Bella. It still bothered me that the boys said that she was a boy living as a girl. This could not be true... could it? I mean she is so pretty and she doesn't even act like a boy. The only strange thing was the picture of a boy in her house and the fact that her mother was so dominant. 

I also heard two girls that came out before Bella did. One asked “ Why does Bella not shower with us? Why does she use her shower?”

When Bella came, we talked about normal things. 

* * *

**September 25, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I still had pains when I woke up, but they were not that bad.   
I was early at school. I sat outside thinking about Bella and how Andrew could forgive me. 

Annie came up and sat next to me. My heart was suddenly beating so hard. The girl of my dreams was finally sitting next to me. She was the love of my life! She was .. well you know. 

She told me that she likes that I am different. She heard a lot of rumors about me. She did not care if I wore diapers. She did not care if I was a sissy. Annie admired my courage to be who I was. She loved the fact that I did not follow the flock. I will be honest. I thought she would say that she fancied me. This would be the happiest moment In my life. 

She did not say this, she said she wished that I was her baby sister. 

* * *

**September 26, 2015**   
**Saturday**   
_Dear Diary_

Today we visited Aunty. Nothing much was said. However, before we went, she told me she wanted to say something to me. She told me that she could see that I was confused and sad. I was silent. She finished by saying not to fight my destiny and remember how happy I was in Greece. 

On my way home, I thought about Alberto. He never did write to me. I missed the teddy that he gave me. 

When I came home, the neighbor called my mother and me over. His name was Mr. Lewis. He said he was a photographer and did pictures for catalogs. He looked at mom and said that I was unique and very pretty. He wanted me to be in some pictures with a new sports line that was coming out. Mom was informed on how much I would get paid and that she would need to sign a contract. 

Mom said she had to think about it. I was a bit confused. Did I look cute enough that someone thought I could be a model? Did I even want to be a model?

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	13. September 27 - October 3, 2015

**September 27, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

A few weeks ago, I was being told that I was a sissy. I wore a diaper to bed. I was a sissy baby. Now I did not wear diapers and no one was making me wear dresses. I admit that I still always had a pacifier in my pocket and I put a chair against my bed so I would not fall out. 

My life was changing and it had a promising look. Mr. Lewis now wanted me to be a model for him. I knew that some models were very famous and it confused me as to why he wanted me to be a model. However deep down, I knew that I was put on this earth for more than being bullied at school. If I was a model, I could use my fame for people to be aware of hunger, poverty, and injustice in the world. I could really make a change. 

I told mom that we should go to the doctors to see why I had pains once in a while. Mom smiled and said that she told me that they were just growing pains. 

* * *

**September 28, 2015**   
_**Monday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I woke up with pains, especially in my legs. 

During the lunch break, I was hiding in the school Library reading the newspapers. There was interesting news that scientists have found evidence that there was water on Mars. This means that there could have been life on Mars. This made me think. Did the Marsians destroy their own planet? Could this be a warning for us to take better care of our planet? The newspaper said that there could be a colony of humans on Mars in the future.

After school, Sarah and I were at Bellas house as we usual, Bella was very quiet. I asked her what was the problem. Was her mom mad at her? Bella sat on her bed and told me that she had something important to tell me. I sat on the bed and listened. There was silence. I felt my heartbeat once again. Was Bella about to tell me that she was really a boy and not a girl? It could also be that Sarah was right, and Bella would tell me that she fancied me. 

Bella stuttered and was trying to force her words out. Then she snapped and said that she had could not tell me. The excuse was that she thought I was unhappy and confused. She told me that I was lost. Before I could even respond, she said that I kept saying that she lived with her mom. Bella shouted and cried that she was her granny and not her mother. How could I forget that?

That night, I wondered why I forgot such obvious things. How many other things did I forget?

* * *

  
**September 29, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I asked mom if she would sign the modeling papers. Mom said she was considering it. However, she had second thoughts about it. She told me that children should not work and have stress in that way. A lot of children that worked as models or entertainment had a bad life. She did not want my life to be ruined. She reminded me to look at Micheal Jackson and his childhood. 

I did not learn a lot today. I spent most of the time looking at Annie daydreaming and imagining what I would respond to her the day that she admitted her deep love for me. I would probably mess that up by stuttering or saying something totally stupid. This was a cross I had to carry. I loved Annie, but it was only a one-way street. I am sure someday Hollywood would make a film about it. 

I listened to the shrinks music when I was home. I started thinking of who I was. Why was I so different than other boys? I put a pacifier in my mouth and figured that being a model would help my life a lot. This led to another question. Why was mom so slow in signing the papers?

September 30, 2015  
Wednesday  
Dear Diary

Today we were at Bella's house after school as my parents were busy at the police station. They were being questioned about my Aunt. She would be having her trial in a few months. I hope that she was not going to be beheaded or hung. 

Sarah was playing with Bella so I decided that this was the time to be a detective. I went around to see if there was any evidence that Bella was a boy. I also wondered what happened to her mother and father? Why was her granny taking care of her? I looked around everywhere I could. I could not see anything that a boy would have. I could not even see a picture of Bellas's parents. I could only see the picture of a boy. 

I knew now that Bella was not a boy. It was some mean pupils that spread false rumors about her. How sad!

Bellas's grandmother said that if I was bored, I could help her. She was sewing some clothes and wanted me to try them on. I agreed, not thinking that they would be dresses. I didn't complain. I put them on and stood on a table and let her stick needles in the dress where it needed to be changed. I didn't think about the fact that I once again had a dress on. I was more worried every time she put a needle on the dresses. 

I was having a lot of fun, even when Bella and Sarah came out and her Granny asked them if it was hard to see I was a boy? Bella said in a serious voice that I was prettier than most girls at the school. 

While I was blushing, I heard Dad come in and asking was anyone home? He stopped in his tracks when he saw me standing on the table in a party dress. He was silent for a few minutes and then told me to get changed as we had to go home. As we walked across the street, he kept on asking me what was wrong with me and he thought the sissy phase was over. Dad did not want me to rant. He just wanted to rant. 

As I was going to bed tonight and about to write in this diary, Mom came in and asked why do I always have a chair against my bed. Then she told me that she washed our clothes wrong. So some of my t-shirts and other things were now pink. I started crying. What will I wear tomorrow at school? 

I still have tears in my eyes as I am writing this. I found my pacifier. 

* * *

  
**October 1, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Mom found one of my brother's old uniforms, so I was saved from total humiliation. I wore white socks from Sarah. I was an optimist. It could have been far worse. It did not stop the usual teasing from school. Even when I was teased, I had to smile as they did not realize that I was wearing girl socks. 

That evening, Mom was doing Sarah's hair. I just stood around and watched as Sarah was getting pigtails. She didn't need her hair done. It was just a mother and daughter thing. I do not know why I stood around. I think that I was jealous. 

Then mom told me it was my turn. I did not complain. It was my turn to get attention. As mom was tugging at my hair, she asked if I really wanted to be a model. It would be hard and could mean more teasing. I told mom that it was my wish. I wanted to be cool and then I would have money for a new phone. 

When Dad came in and he asked why I had pigtails. Then he picked up a vase and threw it across the room. Sarah screamed and I started crying. Dad told me he was tired of seeing his son act like a girl. He told me to shape up and be like any other boy. Dad said that I shamed him. 

I am still crying. Dad came into my room and moved the chair from my bed. He said it's time I acted like a teenager. 

* * *

  
**October 2, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I fell out of bed last night. 

When I came home from school, I asked mom if she could measure me. She said she only did that when we had birthdays. I explained that I wanted to know because of the growing pains. 

She looked confused after she measured me. Mom said she must have done it wrong, as I was an inch smaller than I was. 

This was confusing for both of us but could explain why Sarah now looked a small bit taller than me. 

* * *

  
**October 3, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Finally, it was the weekend. Mom said that she wanted to visit my aunt as they had to have a serious talk together. That suited me, as I thought it was so boring and Aunty would just confuse me. 

I wasn't speaking with Dad. I felt bad, but there was a growing feeling of hatred towards him. 

The good news was that mom signed the model pictures. I was going to be a model. However, she said the money will not be used on telephones or anything. They would be put in a savings account. She read in one of her parenting books that this was the best thing. 

I stormed downtown and looked at the shops. I was mad. I needed a new smartphone to be cool! Mom and Dad were so old fashioned that this would never happen. These thoughts were going through my head all afternoon. As I stood at the bus stop ready to go home, I realized that I had a smartphone in my hand. 

I could not believe it! I stole a cell phone!

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	14. October 4 - 10, 2015

**October 4, 2015  
 _Sunday_**   
_Dear Diary_

Today Dad said something strange on the way to Church. He said my voice would break and this would solve any insecurity I had. Then he looked at mom and said in a very loud voice it would also stop other people from having strange ideas about who I was. I looked out of the window and said nothing. Sarah took my hand and held it. I think it was her way of supporting me. Mom said that Dad should be more modern. She knew I was a boy and she knew that I was confused. Mom told Dad that the books said parents should be tolerant and let boys explore their feminine side.

Luckily, Billy asked everyone to change the subject and pretend we were a normal family.

It was also strange when I was singing in the choir. I suddenly felt like that I should not be in a church, I stole a cell phone yesterday, It happened when I was not thinking right and I was sorry that I stole it straight away. I was now a sinner and this meant that I would probably end up in hell. I knew that I should confess or do something. I just did not know what to do.

The USA bombed a hospital today. I think it was in Afghanistan. The world is screwed up. Innocent people do understand politics, and yet they die for it.

* * *

**October 5, 2015**   
**_Monday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

I could not sleep very well. I dreamt that the police raided the house and arrested me for stealing the phone. They put me in a dungeon at a huge castle and thrown away the key. There was a dragon on a leash in the corner and he looked quite hungry. This was the fate of someone that stole a telephone. I would be eaten by some dragon.

School went fine, I was teased like I usually was. I tried to be cool and show them my new cell phone. If I was to have nightmares about it, I must also get some benefit from it. If I was going to hell, I had to let people think I was cool. Most just shrugged their shoulders. Others were a bit impressed. Bella did not know what to say except how did I suddenly get something that I spent ages wishing for.

Bella's grandmother noticed that I was not happy. She told me that we needed to speak. She just sat and looked at me. Granny didn't even ask a question and I just broke into tears and told her I was a criminal. Granny said she would tell no one. I had to listen to my guardian angel on what I should do. Then she told me I was too much of a boy and she thought that boys were generally brats. She told me in the olden days, boys were punished by making them wear petticoats and sometimes even tried treating them like a baby. My reaction was to say that this was child abuse. Granny did not listen. She was thinking about the good old days.

On my way home, I thought if Bella was being punished.

* * *

**October 6, 2015**   
**_Tuesday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

Today was a great day! Despite that, I woke up after dreaming I was going to hell. Everything else was perfect.

Mr. Lewis rang and said the first photoshoot will be this weekend. It would be in his basement. Mom insisted that she would be present, as she read so many stories on Hollywood abusing children. I did not mind that mom would come. I think I would have been very nervous if it was by myself. I wondered what it would be like to be a model. It would replace the picture of me that was in the newspaper that time of me wearing a dress.

A pack also came for me. It was from Alberto, the boy that I met in Greece. It was the teddy bear that he gave me and I forgot about it in Greece. Alberto wrote that he missed me. He hoped that we would meet one day. He did not care if I wore a dress. He wrote that he liked my personality and what was in my soul. He could only imagine that people around me could not understand and asked If I was bullied? He finished by saying the important part of being a teen is not trying to be cool, but finding out who one is and being happy.

The teddybear did not leave my side. I held on to him all day. I even did this when Billy told me to act my age.

* * *

**October 7, 2015**   
**_Wednesday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

The rumor that I would be modeling went all over the school. I think this had something to do with Sarah, that could not keep her mouth shut. I did not mind. It was as if I was famous before I actually did something.

I was speaking with Bella when Annie suddenly showed up. Of course, it was as if I was now in heaven when Annie noticed me. She asked if I was going to be famous. I honestly did not know. Annie put on the prettiest smile and said I should hang around with her. I told Annie in the most polite way that I am hanging around with Bella and she is welcome to hang around with us. Annie looked at Bella and told us maybe another day.

Bella smiled at me and thanked me for not forgetting her. She knew how hard it was for me to say no to the girl of my dreams. I thought Annie would never speak to me if she didn't think I was about to be famous.

* * *

**October 8, 2015**   
**_Thursday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

After mom gave me the vitamin pill, she brushed my hair. She told me that she doubted I would be famous and not be disappointed if fame did not happen. She read in one of her books that most that done modeling did not get fame. It should be considered as an experience. Mom added that being famous does not solve problems.

Our teacher Miss Applewing also wanted to speak with me. She told me that she noticed that I was teased and bullied. She suspected that it was my long hair and that I was so small.

“I suspect that you are having an identity crisis,” she said, “ I also suspect that many people have their own views on who you are. Listen to me, there is only one person that can decide who you are. This person is you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.”

* * *

**October 9, 2015**   
**_Friday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

I woke up with pains in my body

After school Bella and I were talking when her granny was taking care of us. I wanted to tell Bella about the cellphone, but the words would not come out.

Then we joked about Miss Applewing, mostly how old and ugly she was and old fashioned. We joked that she still had her Halloween mask on. Then I became serious and said that Miss Applewing was very wise. I said that she spoke with me and knew the problems I had. She did not judge me or tell me how I should be. She said it was up to me and not others. I told Bella that I was happier when I was a girl, but being a boy was easier at the end of the day. People did not judge or tease me when I was a boy or think I was some strange freak.

I gave Bella a hug and told her I knew the rumors that were going around the school that she was really a sissy or transgendered, which is the nicer word. I whispered to Bella that I did not care. We were best friends and it didn't mean anything if we were male or female. She had my support.

Bella laughed and thanked me, but assured me that she was not transgendered.

* * *

**October 10, 2015**   
**_Saturday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

The first photo-shoot came and after baths, brushing my hair, and other hygienic preparations, we went over to Mr. Lewis. I was more excited than on Christmas day! I wondered if I could keep the clothes that I modeled.

Mr. Lewis told us to sit as he had to explain the photoshoot.

“This is no normal photo-shoot,” he said, “ I was asked to take photos that show that children your age still have bladder problems and that there is no shame in wearing diapers. Now I will understand if you do not wish to do this, and even if you do the company may not use your pictures in an ad. I will understand if you want to wait until a new photo-shoot that is more normal. The choice is up to you.”

He left mom and me to discuss it afterward. Mom reminded me that I would mostly be teased if people saw the pictures. However, I thought maybe I can help someone that has to wear them. Maybe I could help them by saying they were not alone and it would get better.

I told Mr. Lewis that we could do the photo-shoot and that we wanted to see the pictures after to decide if they should be used by the company. Mr. Lewis said I was brave.

So for the next few hours, I had a diaper on. The diaper has butterflies on it and the back was pink. It was a girl's diaper! I decided to be professional and did what he told me. Half the shots were with pajamas on, and the other half was just with the diaper. After a while, I forgot all about it. I was playing with the dollhouse Mr. Lewis had. I felt like I was a toddler and it was like my mind was emptied and I could just have fun. I was disappointed when he said that he had enough.

Before we went, he asked us to tell him soon if we did not want the pictures used.

This was not the model experience that I expected. Did I really want to be famous for this?

* * *

**_To be continued_ **


	15. October 11 - 17, 2015

**October 11, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Everyone asked at choir how did modeling go. I noticed that Noah was very quiet, As my arch enemy, he did not want me to have any success. I did not really want to answer their questions. How was I going to tell them that it was a diaper ad? I would never hear the end of it. I just answered that modeling is not as fun as I thought it was. 

Dad was upset since he heard about the photo session. He asked how mom could even allow me to be in diaper pictures. So all the way home, Dad was shouting this and that. He warned mom that she should tell Mr. Lewis not to use the photos. It was obvious that I humiliated dad. It made me think if he loved me. 

Billy of course was mad as well. He asked why is everything in this family about me?

The whole day was strange. In the afternoon, mom started crying for no reason. This shocked everyone as it came from the blue. 

“What do I do?” she asked herself out loud, “I have a son that does not know who he is and can be a good model, except its not what we expected. I have a daughter that needs me, but I am not there for her? Why? I am having a hard time believing that my sister wants me dead. On top of that, I have a husband that is humiliated by his son. What happened to my life? It's not supposed to be like this.”

No one knew what to say. There was a lot of truth in what mom was talking about. I decided to do my bit and say that I did not want to be in any diaper ad. It would mean that I would be teased and bullied at school, and I simply did not want this to happen. 

* * *

**October 12, 2015**   
_**Monday** _   
_Dear Diary_

It was time to see the doctor. She gave me the same shots that she usually gave and seemed very disappointed that I was wearing boy clothes. The doctor asked again and again if I was listening to the music she gave me and eating my vitamins. I just nodded my head. After that, she checked my height. This was the first time that I have seen her smile. 

We sat down to have a small chat. I hated this part as she always left me more confused than when we started. I told her that I nearly woke up to pains every day. Mom said they were growing pains, but I did not think that I was growing. She just nodded and said the pains will become better. She can give me some pain killers to help. This made me feel a lot better. 

She talked about the diaper ad, and I said that I decided not to do it. The doctor just smiled at me and advised me to let my mother decide. She asked why I did not get mad when it was a girl's diaper. She also asked was it so bad that I was having fun and was at peace when I was being a baby? Was I not proud that I would be a role model for the thousands of children that wet the bed? I could tell them that it was nothing to be ashamed of. 

The doctor could see that I did not say as much, so she asked mom to wait in the waiting room. Then I was told that everything I said would remain between us. 

“I don't know why?” I started, “But when I saw it was a girl's diaper, I asked myself what else would I wear? When I was being a baby, I felt like I was at peace and as happy as I ever was. There were no problems. It made me sad when I had to be me again. Now I have to think of what people at school would say if they knew I was a baby model”

She told me that I said I was a baby and not a diaper model. Then she asked the usual question if I was a girl or not. 

“ I try not to think about that. It's mostly when I wake up that I wish I could wear a girl's dress, and play with Sarah's toys. I even have a teddy that I have all the time at home. I even told Bella that I was happiest as a girl. The problem is everyone wants me to be this and that. Dad wants me to be a boy and others think I am transgendered. I am confused and feel split. I feel like I am a big problem in this family, no matter what I do.”

The doctor wrote some notes down. She told me I had to follow my heart. If I thought I was a girl, then suppressing my destiny would do more harm than good. I responded that I am not a girl, I just like being one at times. 

Mom was allowed back in. She had one question. She thought that I was becoming shorter and how could this even happen? The doctor said it's something we would have to keep an eye on. Then she looked at mom and said she knew how difficult all this was for her. She gave mom a book to read.

On the way out, I asked the doctor if Bella was transgender. The doctor smiled and said that she could not say why Bella came to her. 

* * *

**October 13, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I told Mom that I did not like the doctor.

At school, people were ignoring me as usual. I figured I may as well look cool. So I took out my new cellphone and pretended someone important was speaking with me. Of course, there was no one on the other side. I felt very smart that I could look so important. I didn't think that most of the children here were constantly on their cell phones. 

Then the worse thing happened. As Noah was walking by, he looked at me speaking with someone that wasn't really there. He smiled and said I must have a friend. Then the phone rang. It was mom saying I could come straight home, and I didn't have to go to grannies. The problem was that now everyone could see I was pretending to speak on the phone!

When I came home, I went straight to my bedroom and cried and cried. Then I got mad at myself and marched out to the family and threw the teddy from Alberto in the fireplace. In a way, I hoped all my problems would go up in flames as he slowly did. 

* * *

**October 14, 2015**   
_**Wednesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I stayed home today pretending that I was sick. In a way, I was as I just murdered my teddy. 

Mom came with some hot chocolate and we started talking about normal things. It's strange as my mom is the most insecure mother there is and wants to be so good. She reads and reads and this confuses her more. Mom is the best when she is just herself. 

I told her that I was so sorry for everything. Mom smiled and hugged me as we sat on the sofa and advised we forget everything about what gender I am or things like that. We should just sit as mother and child and let those things wait for another day. She added that she did not care if I was transgender or not, she just wanted me to be happy. Her problem was that she did not know what she should do. She did not want people to think I was strange. She looked at a picture of Dad when she said this. 

I told her it was not about being transgender. I have accepted that I was feminine and liked it. I told her that I stole the cell phone. Mom smiled and said that she knew that I stole it, and she knew that I would do the right thing.

She also added that I should not tell Dad about it. 

* * *

**October 15, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Pains again but the new painkillers help

I told Bella about the cell phone, and she said there was only one answer. I should take it back. Then Andrew cut in and this made me feel very afraid. I told the whole school that he was gay and was unsure if he had forgiven me or not. The only thing that Andrew said was that I could not go back alone, and he would help me take the telephone back. We decided we would do it tomorrow. 

That night I wrote a long letter to Alberto. I basically wrote what I told the doctor. 

This may be my last entry here. I will surely get arrested and sent to juvie when I take the phone back

* * *

**October 16, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Andrew, Bella, and I went to the shop where I stole the cellphone. We asked to see the manager. It seemed like an eternity while I was waiting. I consoled myself by thinking this was the right thing to do. 

When the manager came, I started to open my mouth to admit what I have done. However, Andrew was the one that spoke. He told the manager that he wanted to give his girlfriend the best present ever. Andrew pointed at me and said that he stole the telephone. Bella and I just stood there in shock. Andrew continued and said he knew it was wrong and he wanted to pay for the phone. The manager looked at Andrew as he was told that Andrew would accept any punishment that would be dished out. 

The manager looked at me and admitted girlfriends are expensive but worth it. He also said that girls made boys do the craziest things as well as the stupidest. The manager took the money and told Andrew that he was very brave to admit to this. He was sure that Andrew learned his lesson. 

As we walked home, I had one big question... WHY?. Andrew smiled and said that was his savings for emergencies. I was his best friend and that made this an emergency. He knew that he used to always hang out with me and now he knew that Bella was my best friend. It took him a long time to accept, but now he had no problem with it. I could pay the money back when I had it. 

Bella stooped walking and said that there is no law that you cant have two best friends. There was no law that the three of them could hang out. We gave each other the musketeer handshake. Andrew had tears of happiness. 

Then I started laughing and they both asked why. I said that the manager thought I was a girl and that was a nice feeling. It's good that I never cut my hair. 

* * *

**October 17, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I woke up today listening to screaming and yelling: I stumbled out of my bed and went down to see the racket. Dad was screaming in some caveman language. It was hard not to laugh, as it looked very funny. Mom came in and asked him did he have his morning coffee. 

“I was enjoying a cup of coffee,” he shouted, “until I saw this ad in the newspaper. Did we not agree that Allie would not be a model? Did I not decide and say that he was not to be a model? Then why is there an ad with Allie in the newspaper with a diaper on?”

I looked at the newspaper and it was true. There was a picture of me playing with a dollhouse. The picture did not show my face and with my long hair and girl diaper, it looked like a girl. 

I let mom and dad fight and went to my room. I did not know what to think. Maybe no one would notice it was me. 

Sarah came into me. She said nothing except give me a hug. She gave me her favorite porcelain doll and told me that she loves me. The doll was a victorian doll she got and was so pretty. 

I hugged the doll still not knowing what to think about the newspaper ad. 

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	16. October 18-24, 2015

**October 18, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I named the porcelain doll Rosie and promised Sarah that I would also take care of her. I also promised that Sarah could play with her. Sarah could be a strange sister and I knew she wanted me to be her sister. I think she was as confused as my gender identity as myself. Sarah was also a sister that supported me in the best way she knew. Giving up her favourite doll was a huge sacrifice.

No one mentioned the ad at choir, so this made me feel good. I did not know how the diaper ad would make me cool. So as far as I was concerned, the ad was best forgotten.

Annie saw it and came up to me afterwards saying that she could see it was me and it was so brave and cool that I have done the ad. She hugged me and said that she was so proud of me. I just stood there like a statue. This was the first hug that Annie gave me. It was like being on a pink cloud.

Dad was still mad and warned me that my model career was over. He promised that the only way I would be a model was if I cut my hair like any other boy and the ad was for normal clothes. Mom disagreed and told Dad that it was my career. It would my choice. 

Sarah and went up to her room and we played with some of her dolls while we could hear our parents fight downstairs.

* * *

**October 19, 2015**   
_**Monday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Today I woke up with sentences like “I should have been a girl.” and “God gave me the wrong body" going through my mind. These sentences repeated and repeated. It has happened before, I just was too embarrassed to write about it. It also was never a problem. It seemed as if it was more annoying than a problem. It did make me think that I liked Sarah's dress yesterday when we were playing, and in a way, I wished I was wearing it. 

My project cool was not working. I still got teased and bullied and people thought I was a sissy. I should accept who I am and be proud of it. At least that's what the voices were telling me. The photoshoot did not make me famous and if people could see it was me, my life would have been hell. 

I had two friends. One was a girl that was bullied because everyone thought she was transgender and the other one was a boy that was gay. I didn't think about these things when I was with Bella and Andrew. I just thought they were nice and fun to be with. I think that's a lot more than many others had. 

* * *

**October 20, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Bella asked me what I will be at the Halloween party. I did not even consider this. 

I had bigger problems. My clothes seemed too big. It seemed like my trousers were always slipping down and I looked like I was wearing my father's clothes. I have been noticing this for some time, but never took it seriously. I mean, it's impossible to shrink. Humans get taller and they don't shrink! Yet every day, I seem to get smaller. Sarah looks like my older sister now, because she is taller. 

I told my mom that I was getting smaller. She looked a bit worried but tried to tell me the clothes were old and this may appear as if I am getting smaller. 

* * *

**October 21, 2015**   
_**Wednesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I got some painkillers when I woke up as well as my vitamin pill. 

Mom asked Dad if there was money so I could buy new clothes. Dad said there wasn't. This caused another argument as mom wanted to know why and Dad had no real excuse. I heard mom telling Dad that she was very worried as I was getting smaller. This made Dad laugh and say that was ridiculous. 

Mom told me not to go to Bella today. When I came home, she had some new clothes on my bed. She was in tears. She told me that she threw Billy's old clothes out as she read something about not letting children wear hand me downs, as they should have their own identity. She told me that I could wear my old uniform and these were some of Sarah's old clothes. Bella's grandmother also gave me some of Bella's old clothes. Mom promised that she tried to pick those that were most boyish. 

I put on a purple top with a unicorn and some jeans with flowers sewn in the legs. I know that I should have been very mad. However, I felt pretty and I was happy. 

I asked Sarah if she wanted to play with her dolls. 

* * *

**October 22, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I have never been so happy than I was now. I didn't mind the pains anymore, I didn't mind the voices in the morning. The only thing I wished for was that I was stronger. 

However, I was so happy that I was wearing Sarahs and Bellas clothes. Mom promised that she tried to pick the boyish clothes. I can assure you that they were very girlish. I loved that I did not care. I now accepted that I liked dressing as a girl. It made me feel happy. I do not think that I believed I was a girl in a boys body. I just thought that society was wrong at deciding what boys should wear and what girls should wear. Should we just not wear what made us happy?

I have now accepted that I was a sissy. The word sissy did not mean anything negative for me. It was a good word that showed that I was happy and not afraid to show who I was or what I liked. 

I wanted to tell the whole world this. However, Mr Lewis called and said that he already had a new photoshoot for me. This would be a normal one for boys clothes. I said straight away that I would. Dad shouted no and that ended with another argument between mom and Dad. 

I hid up in Sarah's room and we were drawing pictures while it sounded like there was a world war under us. Sarah asked if Dad did not want me to be happy. 

* * *

**October 23, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Mom told me that I was allowed to do the new advertisement. I was smiling. Dad said nothing during all breakfast except ask if it was a nightdress I was wearing. I did not answer and dad just said that this family was like the twilight zone. Sarah tried her best to make things better by asking Dad if he loved me. 

He did not answer. 

After school, I was at Bella's. She changed her clothes as I stayed in my school uniform. I know that she could see some changes with me, but she would never say what they were. The only thing that she said was that she was getting a lot stronger than me. 

Then I told her that we had to speak. I told her that we were best friends and there should be no secrets between us. Then I took a deep breath and told her that I was a sissy. I wore girl clothes at home. I told her that I liked it this way and I was very happy. 

Bella laughed and said that she knew as she found some clothes to give to granny. Bella said that she knew I was struggling with this for some time, and she was happy I finally found my identity. I smiled back thinking now that I told her my secret, she would tell me she was transgendered. Bella did not do this. 

A huge hurricane hit Central America. It was the most second-most intense hurricane ever recorded. There were winds of 215 mph. That's a lot!

* * *

**October 24, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Today mom said that she did not want to go to see my aunt. She didn't have the energy to do so. She was doubting my aunt's innocence. 

I told them that I had an important announcement, 

“You all know that I have been confused since summer.” I started, “Everyone always thought that I look like a girl and this bothered me. Then everyone thought I was transgendered, and this was hard for me to understand. It didn't help that many were telling me how I should feel and telling me I am a boy or I am transgendered. I just want to let you all know. I am not transgender. I am a sissy. I do not think sissy is a bad word. I think it means that I like my girly side and I like feeling like a girl. I like looking like a girl. I like girl clothes and toys. I also like being a boy. If this makes me a freak, then so be it. I am happy being a sissy and I harm no one. This is what should count”

My family sat there with open mouths, unable to say anything

* * *

_**To be continued** _


	17. October 25-31, 2015

**October 25, 2015**   
**_Sunday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

This would be a good week. We had a midterm break and that meant no school. I also now knew my true identity. 

I slept well after opening my heart to everyone last night. I think everyone was in shock, which was a surprise, as I do not know how they could be shocked. It's not like that every time someone thought of me in the past, that they thought if I was transgendered or not. Everyone seemed to have their own conclusion. I felt at peace that I made my own conclusion. 

I should have suspected that things would not go my way. The usual chaos that we had every Sunday morning did not happen. Billy was not hogging the bathroom and it seemed that no one was up. It was quite strange that I did not have to use the toilet in the back yard as a toilet because my family was in a panic to be ready for Church. Dad told me that he would be driving me to Choir. The family had other things to do. 

Noah laughed at me when he saw me at choir. He asked why I was wearing jeans with flowers and a girls jumper. I looked at him and asked what is the law that only girls can wear clothes like this. The boys started teasing until Father Immer came and said its time for mass. Noah did not stop his harassment. He whispered things during mass. I was becoming more and more agitated. When he whispered that I was a sissy for the hundredth time, I lost control. I shouted in a loud voice, “ I admit that I am a sissy”.

The church went silent after they heard this. 

After Church, I stood outside as people gave me strange looks. Bella gave me a hug and her Granny said that she admired my courage. Even Annie came up to me and gave me the second hug she ever gave me. She did not say anything else and went back to her family. These were nice people. Everyone else gave me a look as if I had some disease. 

In the end, I was left there by myself. I was waiting for Dad to come and drive me home. I sat on a wet bench in the cold rain. I started to think of what Jesus thought of sissies. I started to think of the teasing I would get when I was at school. I was wondering why Annie ignored me until now. Why was she suddenly interested in me? Why did my life have to be so complicated? Why could I not be normal? 

An hour after Dad was supposed to come, he finally showed up. He did not say anything in the car. The same happened at home. Everyone was silent. I spent most of the day on my bed with Rosie, the porcelain doll. 

* * *

**October 26, 2015**   
_**Monday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I was woken up today by my mom that said the police wanted to speak with me. I started to have an anxiety attack because I thought they wanted to speak about the mobile phone. I gathered what courage I could and went down to the officers. They asked a lot of questions about my aunt that was in jail accused of trying to murder my mom. I felt a bit awkward that the police was asking me all this. She was my aunt. She was family. I told the police what I knew. I knew nothing about any attempt to kill my mother. I could not understand why any sister would try to kill another sister. The only thing my aunt did was to start confusing me saying that I should have been born a girl. I was happy when the police were finished questioning me. It was funny is that they thought that they were going to question a boy. They did not expect to find a girl. Dad was so quiet. 

When the police went, Dad lost his patience. He told mom that the next day she was to buy new boys clothes. He refused to believe that his son wanted to wear girl clothes. He gave his lecture on how immoral it was. It was not normal for a boy to want to wear a dress! Dad was very serious when he said this and warned mom that there was no discussion. 

Dad didn't care if I was in tears. He didn't care if Sarah was in tears. He didn't care if mom wanted to discuss it. In fact, he felt proud that he put his foot down. 

On top of this he said that as a teacher, he heard that Bella was transgendered and Andrew was gay. According to him, they were a bad influence. He told me that I was not to hang around with them anymore or be friends with them. 

I went up to my room thinking that my life was over. I fell asleep crying.

* * *

**October 27, 2015**   
**_Tuesday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

I woke up with more pains and voices saying that it was OK to like being girly. After Dads laying down the law before, I tried thinking that he was right. No other boy in school was a sissy. It was not normal. I was refusing to be the boy that God wanted me to be. 

I tried thinking these things and tried to understand Dad, The thing was that he was wrong! Traditions and customs have dictated that boys and girls should be treated differently. It was a weakness if a boy acted or dressed like a girl. It was a sin if this happened. I did not believe this. I did not choose to be a sissy. It is simply the way I am. If I am not allowed to be who I think I am, it is not respecting me. It's not as if I don't hurt anyone. When I am dressed as a girl and doing girl things, I feel complete and happy. Did Dad care if I was happy?

Mom and I went shopping for boys clothes. It felt like a chore that I had to do and hated. Mom was also quiet. To make it worse, when the salesperson measured me, Mom said it was true. I was not growing. In fact, I was smaller. This was reflected in the clothes that mom bought. They were not for a 13-year-old. I looked like a small boy. 

On the way home, Mom told me to cheer up. I said that I hated Dad, Mom did not respond.

* * *

**October 28, 2015**   
_**Wednesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

My girl clothes were taken away today. Dad also wanted to take Rosie, the doll that Sarah gave me. However, I screamed at the top of my voice that he will never get permission to take her. I would fight to the bitter end. I made a promise to Sarah that I would take care of the doll. Dad surrendered by saying I was as dramatic as a drag queen. 

Annie came by to visit me which was such a surprise. She did not stay long when she saw that I was dressed like any other boy. When she went, Sarah reminded me that Annie ignored me for years and never was interested in me. Why was she suddenly interested in me? 

I stayed in my room all day as I did not want to see Dad. Billy visited me and said it was time for a serious brother talk. In fact, he did not know what to say. He thought all transgenders and sissys were gay, and yet he knew that I loved Annie. He could not figure this out. Billy then went on how things changed in the family. We were once a happy normal family. Since I started to question my identity, the family has become a mess. He reminded me that everything was about me now. Mom and Dad did not even care about the problems that Billy had, because they were too occupied with me. 

Billy thought everything was our aunt's fault. I started to wet the bed when she was in the house, and she tried to convince me that I was a girl in the wrong body. Billy did not think that forgetting my suitcase was a mistake. Our aunt wanted me to be a girl. On top of everything, he did not trust the doctor I went to. Billy asked me if I was stupid enough not to ask myself why she wanted me to listen to the music, what were the shots and what was the pill I took every day. He asked me if I really wanted to be a sissy or was I being conditioned?

At any case, he asked me to remember that Sarah and he were also members of the family

* * *

  
**October 29, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I thought of what Billy said when Mom gave me the tablet. What was it for?

Today we did the photo session with Mr Lewis. Dad came to make sure it was properly done. This made things less fun as I didn't want to be around him. 

The clothes were skater clothes for boys. Mr Lewis said that I had perfect Skaterboy hair. I will admit that for the first time in days I smiled. The photoshoot was an escape. I didn't feel bad in boy clothes, as I was pretending to be someone else. The clothes were also cool. It was like all my worries disappeared when I was pretending to be someone normal. 

Mr Lewis thought I did great. Dad said nothing. 

* * *

**October 30, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Back to normal on the worse mid-term holiday ever. Once again I stayed in my bedroom. Mom came several times to see how I was and so did Sarah. We had some fun drawing and colouring. Sarah gave me a hug several times to give me some sympathy. She is the best sister that I could have. 

I was walking downstairs to say goodnight to everyone when I heard mom ask Dad did he want me to hate him. There was some silence and Dad answered that he was so ashamed of me and humiliated. He reminded mom that he was a teacher at my school and had to hear everything. 

I walked back upstairs with tears in my eyes. 

* * *

**October 31, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Bella, Andrew and me met secretly in the park today. They both wanted to know why it was a secret. I told them everything that happened this week. I also said that Dad heard that Bella is transgender and Andrew is gay and this makes them a bad influence on me, so I was not allowed to be their friend. 

Andrew protested saying I was old enough to decide my own friends. 

Bella whimpered that she was not transgendered

I asked what I should do?

* * *

**To be continued**

_I hope you like this story so far. Please leave a comment_


	18. November 1-7, 2015

**November 1, 2015**   
_**Sunday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I was confused. It seemed like my life hit rock bottom. It did not help that I woke up hearing the voices once again. I went to the choir as I have usually done. Some of the boys my age voices were changing. Mine seemed to be more high pitched than it ever was. It made the other boys more jealous that I got the solos. 

Father Immer most have noticed that I was sad, as he smiled and told me to cheer up after mass when I was changing. All I could do was to ask him where God was. Father Immer looked at me and said that God is doing his best to help, even though it seems that he is not. 

At home, I did not speak with Dad. He was so ashamed of me. I felt like he no longer cared. All I knew was that I was not going to have him decide my friends. I was not going to let him decide who I was. I did not want to be like my dad who lacked respect and tolerance. 

* * *

**November 2, 2015**   
**_Monday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

School again and it was hell. Everyone was calling me a sissy and other names. Everyone thought that I was gay and Annie was once again ignoring me.

At lunch, Noah punched me for nothing. I fell to the ground in pain and agony. As I was on the ground, I looked around. Annie just stood there looking while Andrew came and helped me. 

The love I had for Annie was shattered. 

Something strange happened at dinner. I was lifting a glass of water when suddenly it was like I lost my coordination and the glass fell to the table. Mom helped me clean up. I was so embarrassed. 

* * *

**November 3, 2015**   
_**Tuesday** _   
_Dear Diary_

After yesterday, I did not want to go to school. I told mom that I was sick. She told me that I did not have a fever and wanted to know what symptoms I had. I could not answer. Mom gave me a hug and told me that she understood. 

It was just mom and me all day. She asked me if I was well enough to bake some cupcakes. So we spent a lot of time doing that. Nothing was said about how bad my life was now. We just worked on the cupcakes. I even began to smile as I forgot all the problems I had. In the end, mom said thank you for helping. Mom said that She always bakes when her brain is confused or when she is tired of life. 

I was hiding in my room again when Dad came home. I felt like that he and I should have a conversation to patch things up. However should he not be the one to take the first step? He was the adult and he was supposed to be responsible. 

Sarah came in with two princess dresses. She told me lets play princess. So I put the princess dress on and we had a pretend tea party. I asked Sarah if she was ever teased at school. This made Sarah act like an adult and say when mom always brushed her hair when they had a serious talk. 

“I don't get teased at school, but I know you do,” she said as she sat like a shrink would, “Sometimes I see it. It hurts me a lot. Some of my friends ask me if you are a sissy or even gay. This hurts me and I nearly cry. They don't see you the way I do. They ask how I can be in the same family?”

I felt so sorry that Sarah had to suffer in a way. She continued telling me that she once said that she wanted me as a sister. That was because I was fun and played with the things she wanted. Now Sarah had a new wish. She knew I would spend time with her no matter if I was a boy or girl. She wished that others would see me the way she has seen me. My eyes watered up when she said that it doesn't make a difference if a person wears a dress or not. It makes a difference in how nice a person was. Sarah may be the youngest in the family, but in a way, she was the wisest

Dad came into my room and saw Sarah and me both wearing princess clothes. He did not say a word. He just stood there staring at me. Then he quietly told Sarah that it was time to eat. He did not say a word to me. 

* * *

**November 4, 2015**   
**_Wednesday_ **   
_Dear Diary_

Today I stayed home and was sick again. I think I am in a depression or something like that. Billy peaked in my door and asked was I finished feeling sorry for myself. He could not understand why I could not see that Dad wanted me to be normal and not some misfit. What did Billy know?

During the day, I got bored and went downstairs. Mom was on the sofa reading one of her books. She told me that I could sit next to her. Nothing was said as she brushed my hair. After she was done, I leaned against her. She told me that I could not hide all my life and I should start school tomorrow. I nodded my head even though I would rather stay here for life. 

“I know you have a hard time now,” she said, “ I know you are a boy but enjoys looking like a girl. Your dad does not understand this or most of the school. You are lucky that you have friends. I want you to know that I accept you if it makes you happy. I do not know how we can convince Dad to do the same. Some people just do not understand and are very conservative.”

When Dad did come home, he had to speak with me. I thought that he suddenly understand me. However, he did not. The only thing that he said was that it was not a nice scene he had the day before. He could not describe his thoughts on once again seeing his son in a dress! Dad shouted that he did not like it and would not accept it. He told me that he would end this drama now. I would get my hair cut on Monday. Dad warned that it would be short and boyish.

I started crying and told Dad how much I hated him. Then I ran up to my room. 

* * *

**November 5, 2015**   
_**Thursday** _   
_Dear Diary_

Mom wanted me to go to school. I was in no mood to be teased again, so I just went to the park and sat on a bench. I watched everyone walk by. I wondered where all the people were going? I wondered what problems they had. How strict were their parents? What did they do to survive? I even looked at all the girls wondering if they were really boys. 

I felt so alone. 

An old woman sat next to me and tried to cheer me to cheer up. She tried to say I was too young to be burdened with problems. I looked at her and figured what she would know. She was an old woman with small round glasses. She was a bit plump. She looked like Mrs Santa. She even had rosy cheeks. 

She looked down at me and said look at the trees, the flowers and the birds. They do not spend their life in tears and worry. They trust that God will take care of them and they show the beauty of Gods creation. 

I asked what that meant, and she just said that it does not make a difference if I am transgender or not. God loves me for who I am. She held my hand and said that the important thing in life was being a friend of God, treating others well and being happy.

She was right. I knew what I had to do!

* * *

**November 6, 2015**   
_**Friday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I met Bella and Andrew at the hiding place and told them that things at home. I told them that things were the same and I felt like I was being discriminated against at home. Andrew mentioned that it was hard being a teen. He feared what his parents would do if he said he was gay. 

I told them that I would be running away. I would go to the big city. Bella got very worried and upset and asked how would I survive. I shrugged my shoulder and said that I did not think about that. I could do some work for people or something like that. This made Bella the speech that it was stupid of me to run away. I did not even have some plans. She reminded me that it would devastate my mom.

I got frustrated and mad and told Bella that she was lucky as her grandmother accepted that she is transgender. There was quietness as Bella whispered that she was transgendered. I told her not to lie. This made Andrew plead that we don't get in a fight. 

“I am not transgender,” Bella said, “I am sorry I never told you, it's just hard for me to talk about. I am intersex or as some call it hermaphrodite. I have both male and female organs. Do not think that you are the only one that has problems about who you are? This is a common problem with us three. We all really do not know who we are. Running away is not the answer. 

I did not know what to say. Intersex? Both sex? There was quietness and I said I would have to go home and pack. 

Despite I was confused about Bella, I went to Sarah's bedroom and told her that I would be leaving because I could not stand it anymore. After a lot of crying, Sarah asked who would be her brother as Billy never has time for her. I tried to console her that I would come and get her when I settled in. We could live alone and always be happy. Then I used an hour trying to tell Sarah not to tell anyone. 

I sent Bella a text message that I did not think of her as intersex. She was my friend and that is what mattered. 

* * *

**November 7, 2015**   
_**Saturday** _   
_Dear Diary_

I woke up early and noticed that I wet the bed. I figured that it was just the excitement and the fears I had about running away, then I slowly crept to the front door, until I heard a voice say “Wait”

It was Sarah. She had her hands full of clothes. She told me there were dresses, shorts, tights and T-shirts. She promised that they would fit me. I put them in my bag and gave Sarah a hug. She told me not to forget to come to her. 

Tears were running down my cheek. I would miss Sarah. However, this was something I had to do. As I walked down the empty street, I could still see the stars. Normally I would still be asleep. I really was afraid and part of me told me to turn around. This was until I saw Bella. 

I told Bella that I have made up my mind. There was no way I was going home. Bella smiled and showed me her small bag and told me that she also wants to get away from the people that teased her and her grandmother. She was running away with me. 

We walked out of town and went on small roads, not knowing where we would end.

* * *

**To be continued**

_I hope you like this story so far. Please leave a comment_


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